The Ultimate Alpha Male

>1) Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the
>
>probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
>
>2) Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
>
>3) A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied,
>"Don't
>
>you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name
>cured
>
>this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever
>
>saw, was a fatal roundhouse kick delivered by Chuck Norris.
>
>4) Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
>
>5) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and
>
>includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck
>
>Norris has not had To pay taxes ever.
>
>6) Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck
>
>Norris.
>
>7) Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is
>
>afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
>
>8) As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked
>away
>
>in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to
>
>the1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in
>
>professional football history.
>
>9) A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for
>
>handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot
>
>belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park
>
>there.
>
>10) Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks
>aren't
>
>the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as
>
>the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
>
>11) If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow down.
>
>12) At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse
>
>kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck
>
>Norris.
>
>

5) When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack.

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:crackup:

retarded and funny:crackup:

Originally posted by spider_007
retarded and funny:crackup:

Click to expand...

The guy who initially wrote this up IS A RETARD !!!
But it's still funny reading it.
:crackup:

Chuck Norris isn't lactose intolerant. He just doesn't put up with lactose's ****.

Chuck Norris doesn't eat. Rather he kicks ass until he's full.

Scientists in Washington have recently conceded that, if there were a nuclear war, all that would remain are ****roaches and Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once threated to sue Burger King because they refused to make it his way. When asked what "his way" detailed, he replied: "with barbed wire and nails, of course". He then roundhouse kicked the reporter for even asking.

Chuck Norris never "gets laid", rather: "laid gets Chuck".

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

Playgirl magazine once asked Chuck Norris to appear naked in an issue, Chuck laughed at the opporunity saying "there isn't enough paper in the world to contain my bearded member". He then killed the editors simply by unzipping his pants.

Helen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris

Chuck norris once burnt 1,500 calories just by looking in the mirror

Ice isn't cold water; it's water that is scared still by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There we no survivors.

When Chuck Norris was a teenager, he once impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the Himalaya mountains. 9 months later, the nuns all gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in NFL history.

chuck norris has never farted. scientists fear that if he ever does, it will be the end of mankind.

When the Boogeman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris plays baseball he hits a homerun every time by roundhouse kicking the baseball. he then procedes to f * ck all the girls in the stadium with his beard.

Chuck once got shot in the head. He then proceeded to surgically remove the bullet with his beard as foreceps and then ate it because his daily iron count was low.

When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Native American; it has nothing to do with his heritage...he just ate a f * cking indian.

Lol

This reminds of similar stuff I read about Vin Diseal! :crackup:

So this is the latest fad? like "Mr. T vs. X", "Mr. T ate by balls", "All your base", and Absolute Ninjas?

Here are some fresh ones, then.

There used to be life on other planets, but Chuck Norris slipped on a banana peel one day and drop kicked the sky.

Chuck Norris was a vegetarian for a while. He tried eating cabbage, but he scared it white. That's how we have cauliflower.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to flush the toilet. When he turns around to look, it flushes itself.

Albert Einstein was actually trying to make a life-size replica of Chuck Norris' thing; he failed and accidentally invented the nuclear missile instead.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually jump from the ground when he roundhouse kicks someone; The earth gets out of his way for a few seconds to take a break.

Chuck Norris only masterbates to pictures of Chuck Norris

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:crackup: :crackup: :crackup: