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Why is it so tough to figure your own sh#t out? reading things that other people post - it's easy to see what their deal is - but mine?

Story.

The ex. Yes, it's an ex.

We broke up, but are now seeing each other - 2 times ro so a week.

She meet someone else and was dating him about a month after we broke up - and when it started getting rocky she started calling me back as a friend. But she kept it secret from him.

Anyways, they broke up, and we started hanging out together.

I've told her, that I'd like to figure things out once and for all. I'd like to find out if we can work - because it's abvious that we both care and love each other a great deal.

Fvck, when I think about this, I think I sound ridiculous. But I can't explain it. I can't explain the feeling I get when I'm with her..... and I can't justify how I feel, but I just feel it.

I can move on - and I've done it in the past - but my choice is to persue her, because I need to know whether we can work things out.

I was not the perfect guy - I cheated on her very early in the relationship - I was an a@@hole on several occasions. I didn't give her the attention she deserved... I was in short a jerk at times.

I didn't want to move on and get married (she did) - because I really didn't know what I truely wante din life.

I feel, that losing ehr was the best thing that happened to me. I was finally able to see what I want from a woman - able to see what makes me happy - and able to see where I made mistakes. Yes, playstation 2, computers etc. are not the most important thing in the world. I relationship - that fillfilling with a good woman is far superior.

Anyways, we've been seeing each other - and I told her I wanted more. I want to see her more often, so that we can finally figure our **** out.

She told me, that she wants her cake and wants to eat it.

That she loves seeing me, but she doesn't want a relationship right now. She feels unhappy - because the things that I'm telling her - that I want to work things out with her - that I want to spend lots more time with her - were the things she's been wanting to here from me when we were together. But they never came from me. She said that I suck, becuase she's been wanting me to tell her this for the 4+ yrs. we were together.

But she wants to continue seeing me - but she needs to figure herself out. She wants to meet new people - i.e. guys. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose me.

I don't know how to handle this.

I feel that should I agree and continue seeing her, that I'll open myself up to be hurt. If she meets someone else - then I'll be put to the side - because it's impossible for us to be friends at that point (with another guy or woman in the picture). I told her this - she said, Don't worry about it - let's cross that bridge when we come to it.


I can't see the light. I'm to close to her. I don't know what I should do.....

Advice anyone?

I know your going to tell me never with ex's. Perhaps you guys are right - but having made to determination that I'm going to go for her (as I have) - should I continue - should I tell her to forget about it.


It's hard, I don't think I can use her for social proof ( she's a fvcking hottie I tell ya - She was a model 12 yrs ago) - becuase I'm so close to her emotionally.

Fvck. I'm rambling and confused.

from what i have read on your post you say things did not work the first go around.
now you are seeing her again and it is different which is confusing to you.
she wants her cake and eat it too usually means she is going thru a "me" phase.
as long as someone doesnt know who they are or what they want or what they stand for, then they are in the "me "phase catergory.
if they cant figure themselves out, they aren't going to figure out any one else.

i would move on and stop seeing her.
if you know who you are and what you want , then you owe it to yourself to get out there and find it and not to waste your time and efforts on someone who isnt wanting the same thing as you.

I feel for you man. The pain and confussion you're going through right now is not much fun. This is part of the problem when remaining friends with an ex.

The damage has been done. She will never see you as she once did no matter what you do or say at this point.

nothing in life is certain, she may realize that you are the one but I think the chances of this are slim to none.

I've been in this same exact situation as I'm sure many fellow DJs have as well.

My advice: Focus on what you have learned from this experience and don't make the same mistakes with your next girlfriend. Don't try to pull this girl back into a relationship with you. If she changes her mind she will let you know. In the mean time, spending time with her will just prolong the pain.

Be strong and move on.

Hey Newman

As I've said before your situation is close to mine. The only difference being I've pretty much cut off all contact with the ex.

Like yourself I'm confused. She calls occasionally and claims she wants us to be friends blah blah. However she is seeing someone else and its just too damn hard for me. I'd love to see her and talk to her but it would just kill me. It drives me crazy really.

I honestly don't know how you do it. Spending time together and the conversations you've been having with each other. No offense but it all sounds like a soap opera to me.

Anyways, we've been seeing each other - and I told her I wanted more. I want to see her more often, so that we can finally figure our **** out.

She told me, that she wants her cake and wants to eat it.

That she loves seeing me, but she doesn't want a relationship right now. She feels unhappy - because the things that I'm telling her - that I want to work things out with her - that I want to spend lots more time with her - were the things she's been wanting to here from me when we were together. But they never came from me. She said that I suck, becuase she's been wanting me to tell her this for the 4+ yrs. we were together.

But she wants to continue seeing me - but she needs to figure herself out. She wants to meet new people - i.e. guys. But at the same time she doesn't want to lose me.

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She sounds pretty confused as well. However the truth of the matter is she has Low IL. I can understand how you feel blinded to the whole thing. But as an outsider reading the above quote, it is crystal clear. Look at the statements she is making.

1. "Doesn't want a relationship right now"
2. "Needs to figure herself out"
3. "Wants to meet new people"

All of it is screaming that she is not interested.

Her "not wanting to lose you" is just her using you as a crutch until she finds a suitable replacement. She needs you around until that happens. Its sad for both of you. For her because its obvious she is weak. For you because you are letting her use you.

I feel that should I agree and continue seeing her, that I'll open myself up to be hurt. If she meets someone else - then I'll be put to the side - because it's impossible for us to be friends at that point (with another guy or woman in the picture). I told her this - she said, Don't worry about it - let's cross that bridge when we come to it.

Click to expand...

I'm glad that you realize this. You are going to get burned big time. Her saying "Don't worry about it......" only proves that she really doesn't give a fcuk about your feelings.

I really don't know what you are looking for Newman. I've followed your story with your ex from the start and you've been given all the advice you need 10 times over.

As an outsider I'm telling you I don't care how hot she is, your ex is using you! She is playing you for a fool! And its obvious she doesn't give a damn about your feelings, regardless of what she says!

If "she doesn't want to lose you" then why don't you erase her from your life entirely and see what happens. Put her own words to the test. You'll definately find the answers you are looking for instead of all this crap she's putting you through.

Good luck Newman.

Yeah, due to you having been f'ed up the first time with her, she will probably have a hard time trusting you gain or she will use you as a doormat and if you do not agree to her terms, kiss your A$$ goodbye. Going back to your ex in a situation like this sounds like a very bad idea and the fact that she is going through a "me" phase is not helping you at all unless you are willing to put up with every single piece of $hit thing she throws your way. Aslo, the cheating thing she will definitely bring up to rub in your face somewhere down the line to keep you in check, so overall I do not recommend taking this path.

Yep.

I was doing fine actually - was moving on, doing my own thing, when she starts calling me out of the blue.

Since that time, I've been going through a roll coaster ride emotionally - Happiness to going crazy.

It makes it much harder that we have the same tight circle of friends.

Friday night she was at the bar, and was pretty much all over me.

As much as I want to give it a try - not admit defeat - I'm going to have to make a stand - draw my own personal line in the sand.

It's tough.