So here's a story that kinda messed up and a little long ...but i need honest advice from anyone that can help me make this relationship work out.....

I have a freind that i've known for about 7 years ..After we met he started dating this girl that after a year or so he got her pregnant...She moved down from new york where she was living at at the time so that they could raise the child together but they always had their problems..One of the mane problems they had was that she found out he cheated on her..She figured since it was the first time it has happened she would let it slide so after time she eventually forgave him ...So here's how the story gets deep though...Me and my buddy used to travel around for work pretty often but eventually i stopped and he kept going...being that his girl didnt really have to many friends in our hometown and her family lived in new york he would ask me to spend time with her when he wasnt in town...so i did...About two years ago she told me that she had always had feelings for me but never wanted to say anything about it because I was friends with her man, but she said that she had to tell me because it was eating her alive trying to keep it a secret.. obviously i figured it was because i was the challenge that a woman cant have ...or because i was there when he wasnt , or even that she was just trying to get back at him for cheating on her...but with time i found out that it was true that she always has had feelings for me (because her best freind told me so) .After a few months of us hanging out and her asking me why i dont feel the same way about her and all that stuff i finally told her that i have always had feelings for her and that i never met a girl that i connected with so well and that i did love her too...After that was said and done we basicaly started a side relationship with out anyone knowing about it and we fell madly in love we even spoke about getting married many of times and what life would be like if we were to announce that we were together...
Now here's where it really gets interesting...Two months ago she had found out that he cheated on her with 15 different girls and they broke up..The messed up thing is that i asked her to move out from his house and move on with her life but she replied with what kinda seems like a reasonable response and that "she doesnt have freinds or family out here that she can stay with and she's going to school and trying to raise a child at the same time so its hard for her to get a job and maintain her good grades , while having time to spend with her kid ( also that her parents got divorced at a young age and she wants her daughter to have some kinda memory about her mom and dad being together) so she told me in a year she finishes the school that she is at right now and then she will continue getting her masters degree in a different school thats in a different city " . Im not a big fan of long distance relationships but at least i know that she'll be out of his house and that they'll be officially over and I can start a real relationship with her .
About a month ago he heard from someone that her and i had kissed and that he suspected that we were having something going on so we got on some big conference call and he accused me of spreading rumors about her and blah blah...Both her and i denied it and him and I ended our freindship right there which to be honest doesnt bother me at all because we werent really that cool at the end any way....even though they arent together as a couple but still live together for the baby's sake he asked her as a freind to stop talking to me and not have any envolvement with me any more...she told him that she wouldnt but she still continued calling me with out him knowing...everyday for a few weeks she would call me on her way home from school and tell me how much she missed me and how being away from me made her realize how important i was in her life ...and i continously would ask her to just move on with her life and leave his house but she would give me over and over the reasons i gave you before...so we maintained this distant phone relationship...Finally she misses a day and doesnt call and then she would call every other day and when i would talk to her i would ask why she didnt call and she would say that she's so bussy and tired because of school that she sleeps during the day and studies at night only to give her about 3 hours of rest while taking care of the baby but shes sorry and she loves me and all that crap...so i ask her if its still important to her to have a future with me and she says to me that what we have is so speciall that she doesnt want to throw it away and it would break her heart to think that her and i cant be together one day...so i told her how stressed out i get when she doesnt call becuase i dont know whats going on or if she still cares for me ..so she told me that she feels bad for putting me threw so much stress and asked if we would put our relationship to the side till we could actually announce that we're together if it would make me feel better because at least i wouldnt be expecting something from her and we would talk when ever there was a chance...i said yeah that would probably be best but i worry that we'll loose communication one day and i'll just end up as one of those relationships that could've been great but never got a chance to be>>>>

what should i do...i dont want to keep pressuring her into trying to be with me because i know it'll turn her off after a while and i think that if i play the hard to get roll and make myself unnavailable that i'll make her think that im not interested and she'll just move on with her life....I want to make this relationship work out because i am convinced this is my soul mate but i dont know what to do...let me know please
thanks
antonio

You should try writing paragraphs...

but if you truly think that she is your soul mate, you are already dead in the water...

what do you mean dead in the water?

are u trying to ssay theres nothing i can do...

Antonio, here are the priorities in her life, in a VERY particular order:
1. Her kid
2. Herself
3. You

This is the way mothers are, there is no getting around it.

However you feel about this girl, she is playing this game according to her timetable and her rules. It is a crap situation, but she is calling the shots. Obviously things are still civil between her and the kids father, because if she thought he was such a scumbag for cheating on her with 15 other chicks, she would have walked away ages ago, no matter whether she thought her kid needed a father figure or not. Though... she seems quite happy to walk away from him when she is finished school at the end of the year, to go to another city.

Basically she is keeping you waiting because she knows she can. You have already poured your heart out to her (by the way, don't do that anymore). If you are unhappy about the situation, let her know it.

The best thing I read here was that she asked to put your relationship to the side until later... Do exactly that! This means you are free to see other women. Do exactly that too!

If she is your soulmate, then I hope it works out for you, but there is a fair chance another 'soulmate' sat down next to you in the cafe this morning.

Here's what I'm thinking as I read this:

Originally posted by antonio diaz

I have a freind that i've known for about 7 years ..After we met he started dating this girl that after a year or so he got her pregnant...

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Uh-oh. Don't do it, man!

So here's how the story gets deep though...Me and my buddy used to travel around for work pretty often but eventually i stopped and he kept going...being that his girl didnt really have to many friends in our hometown and her family lived in new york

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Don't do it...PLEASE don't tell me you did it!

he would ask me to spend time with her when he wasnt in town...so i did...

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You're doing it. Oh, God you're doing it.

About two years ago she told me that she had always had feelings for me but never wanted to say anything about it because I was friends with her man, but she said that she had to tell me because it was eating her alive trying to keep it a secret..

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Run.

obviously i figured it was because i was the challenge that a woman cant have ...or because i was there when he wasnt , or even that she was just trying to get back at him for cheating on her...

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That's it, keep running...

but with time i found out that it was true that she always has had feelings for me (because her best freind told me so) .After a few months of us hanging out and her asking me why i dont feel the same way about her and all that stuff i finally told her that i have always had feelings for her and that i never met a girl that i connected with so well and that i did love her too...

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WHY ARE YOU SLOWING DOWN? KEEP RUNNING!

After that was said and done we basicaly started a side relationship with out anyone knowing about it and we fell madly in love we even spoke about getting married many of times and what life would be like if we were to announce that we were together...

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FOOL!

Now here's where it really gets interesting...Two months ago she had found out that he cheated on her with 15 different girls and they broke up..The messed up thing is that i asked her to move out from his house and move on with her life but she replied with what kinda seems like a reasonable response and that "she doesnt have freinds or family out here that she can stay with and she's going to school and trying to raise a child at the same time so its hard for her to get a job and maintain her good grades , while having time to spend with her kid ( also that her parents got divorced at a young age and she wants her daughter to have some kinda memory about her mom and dad being together) so she told me in a year she finishes the school that she is at right now and then she will continue getting her masters degree in a different school thats in a different city " .

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You're out of the game. Eject! EJECT!

Im not a big fan of long distance relationships

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Uh-oh. Don't do it, man!

but at least i know that she'll be out of his house and that they'll be officially over and I can start a real relationship with her .

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*cue banging of head against wall*

About a month ago he heard from someone that her and i had kissed and that he suspected that we were having something going on so we got on some big conference call and he accused me of spreading rumors about her and blah blah...Both her and i denied it and him and I ended our freindship right there which to be honest doesnt bother me at all because we werent really that cool at the end any way....even though they arent together as a couple but still live together for the baby's sake he asked her as a freind to stop talking to me and not have any envolvement with me any more...she told him that she wouldnt but she still continued calling me with out him knowing...everyday for a few weeks she would call me on her way home from school and tell me how much she missed me and how being away from me made her realize how important i was in her life

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If you were that important, she would leave him...

...and i continously would ask her to just move on with her life and leave his house

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...but...

but she would give me over and over the reasons i gave you before...so we maintained this distant phone relationship...

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...you're not. Time to leave.

Finally she misses a day

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Holy sh!T@! Crucify her! She missed a WHOLE DAY! A WHOLE 24 HOURS WITHOUT HER!!

and doesnt call and then she would call every other day and when i would talk to her i would ask why she didnt call and she would say that she's so bussy and tired because of school that she sleeps during the day and studies at night only to give her about 3 hours of rest while taking care of the baby

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...and you're smothering her to death on top of it all.

but shes sorry and she loves me and all that crap...

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and she needs someone to cling to for emotional support right now

so i ask her if its still important to her to have a future with me and she says to me that what we have is so speciall that she doesnt want to throw it away and it would break her heart to think that her and i cant be together one day...so i told her how stressed out i get when she doesnt call becuase i dont know whats going on or if she still cares for me

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because you're so terribly insecure...

..so she told me that she feels bad for putting me threw so much stress and asked if we would put our relationship to the side till we could actually announce that we're together if it would make me feel better because at least i wouldnt be expecting something from her and we would talk when ever there was a chance...i said yeah that would probably be best but i worry that we'll loose communication one day and i'll just end up as one of those relationships that could've been great but never got a chance to be>>>>

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Guess what?

what should i do...i dont want to keep pressuring her into trying to be with me because i know it'll turn her off after a while and i think that if i play the hard to get roll and make myself unnavailable that i'll make her think that im not interested and she'll just move on with her life....I want to make this relationship work out because i am convinced this is my soul mate but i dont know what to do...let me know please
thanks
antonio

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Man...*cue shaking of head*

You are not ready for an LTR. Neither is she. The difference is that she realizes it.

What do you need to do now? Do what she's doing...take some time to work on YOU. Forget her for a while. If she truly IS your "soul-mate", she will be there for you when you come back. Seriously, you have severe insecurity issues to be freaking out when she doesn't call you every single day. You're needy. You need to get away from HER and stop relying on her to complete you and complete yourself. BY YOURSELF.

Then you can start worrying about finding your soul-mate.

This kind of heavy drama is not going to be healthy for her, for her child, or MOST IMPORTANTLY, for YOU. My advice would be to forget her entirely. You're in over your head and I doubt there's ANY possible way to salvage this. But I could be wrong...but please, PLEASE just forget her for a couple of months and remember YOU.


BTW...very similar situation: http://www.sosuave.com/doclove/doc185.htm

Also...read this: http://sucs.org/~nicholas/djb/index.php

Then read it again.

thanks...

thats basically what i was looking for...i will bak off her for a while and when i do talk to her i'll just keep it light and funny ...i guess i'll just play the freind roll for now but obvviously not to freindly because then i ge stuck in the freind zone...thanks
antonio

Squirrels has it right! Don't walk run!!!! there is nothing positive about this chick. There are sooo sooooo many signs your missing, this is really not a good woman. You have put this chick on a pedestal, kick her off teh throne and forget her totally!! Read the DJ bible please (click on the black line up in the corner, that says "The DJ Bible." Read teh bible then answer your own questions and concerns. There is no way to salvage this relationship nor should you want to salvage it, please for your own sake and best interest let this chick go!

yo. you know what, i don't think you were being insecure when you began to get nervous when she stopped calling as much. it was something that was ritual, and when it changed so did the relationship. it was letting you know that things were not the same. she doesn't want/need to talk to you as much/at all like she used to. so something changed. and this made you uncomfortable. it was a sign, you picked up on it, you were not being insecure or paranoid.

but now its time to move on. you can't control what she wants from you/thinks about you, or if she wants a healthy, loving relationship with you. it sucks, it hurts, it blows, cuz you love her, and care about her. you want her to stay in your life. but you can't control that. so if she is wanting something else, it is time to throw you hands in the air, because it is a hopeless situation.

all that you have control over is how you react and deal with it. and how soon you move on.

keep us posted.

thanks again

I was expecting the obvious answers of just forget about her and that shes not good for me...but at the end of the day when we are together it is really good and makes the pain seem like nothing...i took squirels advice on just playing her off a little and not pushing her to do anything and she dramaticaly changed...she seems to be more interested in talking with me and waning to see me now that i give her the i dont have the time of day to really talk to you so things are moving in a direction i would like...I have thought about leaving her before many times and at the end of the day i figure that i cant llet this girl pass me by and not see what happens...obviously im not putting all my eggs in one basket and if i meat someone lese that gets my mind off her i'll jump on the chance but in all reality she is a really sweet irl..she's never misused my trust or lied to me in any way that i would be hurt ..i just made her seem worse then she really is ...thanks to all of you for your help and any other advice would be great but i figure the least i can do is just act like im not that interested in her and let her start coming to me...like the website says just make them laugh and associate yourself with them feeling good ..RIGHT? well thanks and so far it seems like things are going on a better track and i'll keep you posted on what happens...thanks
antonio

I basically meant what squirrels wrote... I say dead in the water because the attitude portrayed in what you write shows that you are not in a situation where you can keep this girl.