Not sure how to start this thread.. its not a plea for help, just some realisations I've made recently..
I'd like to think I'm a RAFC, but while certain parts of my brain have started to adopt the DJ mindset, (I'm much more confident and friendly, C+F, and I believe in myself alot more) other parts of me (as you will read) remain horribly AFC.

I guess I should start with events today that got me thinking about it.. as some of you will be aware I've got serious one-itis problems at the moment, (although thankfully I am still trying with other women, and she'll be out of my life soon too) anyway, today she phones me, and I'm at uni, she wants me to check her email for her.. so she gives me her username and password and I log in and tell her about the new emails shes got.. then, when I hang up I give in to temptation, listen to the devil and open the two emails she has in there from her bf..

The first one from june says simply, "hey sweety, hows work going? I miss you, xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx", I'm not too botherd by it...

The second is from last november and is longer.. hes asking how the f*ck hes supposed to sort things out if she wont talk to him, he'd rather she called him to insult him than simply texting, hes sorry for not listening about something or other, and then the last paragraph really gets to me.. "I dont want you to think I don't like you. I love you more than you can possibly ever know and I can't imagine my life without you. I just wish you'd talk to me. Love James"

Yes I know it demonstrates an incredible level of AFCness on his part, and a huge imbalance in their relationship.. but I'm still feeling jealous.. not so much that hes going out with the girl I'm interested in.. more that

here is someone who has been in a long relationship (almost 2 years) (and is obviously shagging too), with someone who hes hopelessly head over heals in love with...

never mind the fact that she seems to have him wrapped around her little finger, and seems pissed off with him half the time.. hes in a LTR with someone hes madly in love with...

I dont know if its just me.. but deep down thats what I really want.. sure ideally levels of interest in the relationship should be equal.. but to love and be loved by that person.. is probably high on my desires list.. and it shouldnt be.. because I know things dont work like that.. you hardly ever fall in love at first sight with people, the girls I've fallen badly for.. I've known a while before I've really started to like them

but when youre not in a good mood its enough to put you off making an effort, and doing approaches.. 'sure theres a chick that might be interested, but I'm not in confident mood right now, and anyway I cant see us having a decent LTR anyway so I'm not going to bother' of course as well as sometimes really believing this we use it as an excuse to not make an effort with chicks we actually are interested in..

I've been out with girls, but I've never had a proper LTR.. apart from my parents and family I cant say I feel like anyone has really loved me. and when thats whats getting me down, I'm often not in the mood for trying to hit on chicks when the chances are I'm not going to get on with most of them. If I'm in a happier mood, I'm going for it, talking to everyone I can, and I'm well up for the ONS if its an option. But when you're not feeling on top, the yearning for a loving LTR just takes over.

TV, movies and music dont help us much either, the amount of songs going on about how much you love someone, or miss someone often only serves to increase the desire.. (I think thats part of the reason I've gone off indie/rock music and got into electronica and hip-hop over the past few years, theres alot less singing about loving someone. Some hip-hop especially seems to promote the more promiscuous life style I should be aspiring to)

I guess those of us that are AFC get so conditioned by all the lovey dovey movies and songs that are around nowadays that the idea of hopping from chick to chick for a few years doesnt seem as appealing as good LTR..

Of course, what we all need to remember is that EFFORT is required, and "you have to slay a few dragons to take home the princess". Some people get "lucky" and meet a special woman without much effort but most of us dont.

when I'm in a good mood I look forward to the prospect of dating and banging loads of chicks untill I find the right one.. when I'm not in a good mood I just want that right chick right NOW and I sit moping, it doesnt have to be the one-itis girl.. but it does have to be someone I really love.. and I want her to walk into my life NOW so I can ask her out.

I guess I'm not the only guy thinking like this... is there anyone out there that used to think like this but now doesnt? What changed things? Was it just a case of going thru a slong enough string of women and then you weren't that bothered about it anymore what?

This is the one thing that keeps coming back to haunt me even if I have pulled some chick in a club, if things arent leading to a LTR you begin to wonder if youll ever find one... This is all pretty general stuff, and its an example of why dwelling on your past is a bad idea, but sometimes it cant be avoided.

i know exactly where you're coming from and everything you said I can relate to.

woah, what a read, but yeah man, what you said did get to me.

but after what i have been through, and seeing whats happened to other guys, slowly but surely im not believing in the hollywood fairytail.

just my 2 cents

I understand perfectly what you're saying, Mr NiceGuy and feel the same way myself a lot of the time.

But isn't the whole point of being a DJ that you are happy in yourself, and don't need an LTR to give 'meaning' to your life?

One of the major problems of life in the west since about, oh, 1830, has been the exalting of romantic love to the status of a religion - a form of secular 'salvation' if you will. (Theres a good book on this called 'For Fear of the Angels' written by a vicar, sorry can't remember his name).

Now the DJ knows that 'salvation' only comes from within, it cannot be imposed from without by a woman, an LTR, or anything else. An LTR with someone you love deeply is the icing on the cake but it is not the be all and end all of existence.

I have been in about three LTRs in my life and can honestly say that they were great, but came with their own problems and I didn't go around in a permanent high thinking how wonderful life was every day. In fact one particular LTR with an HB9 ended because I simply felt fenced in by being answerable to another person. I've often heard men in LTRs feel the same way.

I haven't been in an LTR for about five years and realised that the more I obsessed about it, the less likely it was to happen. You can't force yourself to drop the idea, so I feel the best way is to just date as many women as possible and see where it takes you. You may end up in love, you may have a string of STRs (or STDs, hehe) but at least you'll be doing something and not mooning around waiting for 'Miss Right' to come along while you gradually descend into the seventh circle of AFC hell....

Do I have to be the first one to say it?

DON'T read other people's emails.

Why are you checking her e-mails for her? To see if other men are writing to her? Why do you do her a favor like that? Have some pride. You are being a supplicant. And yes, you should not be reading other people's e-mails.

All you have done is wrong. STOP IT NOW

Dietzcoi

Originally posted by dietzcoi
Why are you checking her e-mails for her? To see if other men are writing to her? Why do you do her a favor like that? Have some pride. You are being a supplicant. And yes, you should not be reading other people's e-mails.

All you have done is wrong. STOP IT NOW

Dietzcoi

Click to expand...

Firstly, I know it was wrong to open those 2 emails, I felt bad when I was doing it and after I did it too, but having her inbox open in front of me I couldnt resist the temptaion to open those 2 emails and find out what her boyfriend was writing to her.. even though I knew it would do me more harm than good.

Secondly, how does checking someones email for them, when they ask you in a telephone conversation, and when you are sat at the computer anyway constitute a huge favour that means I lose all my pride? She wanted to see if she had an email from her tutor about a retake for an exam she'd done, she told me the details and I logged in and told her she didnt. This is a favour I would do for any friend and I'd wouldnt expect any of my friends to refuse to do the same for me..

Lastly again, I know it was wrong to read the old emails, I felt bad about it, but I'm only human. and trust me I wont be doing anything of that kind again..