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BGC
06-01-2001, 06:58 PM
My girlfriend of about seven months just dropped a bomb on me. She told me she still "cares" for her ex. (I dropped the bomb on her that she's my first girlfriend, then she dropped this.)

Here are the facts (as she told them).

* They were together 2 years.

* They broke up 4 years ago.

* He broke it off by walking out of her place, but he said as he left, "Let's just say it's not over." (Whatever the fukk that means.)

* They've kept in touch for these four years. By her estimates, they talked about five or six times a year.

* She told me she didn't see anyone for a long time because he said "let's just say it's not over."

* She said she waited for him to kind of say he wanted her back, but he never did. I pressed her on this, and she said she would have gone back to him.

* And then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."

* She said they have not had sex since they broke up four years ago.

* She said a little less than a year ago, they met and had breakfast.

* She also said he called her TWO DAYS AGO. She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him." So then they hung up. But she said he called back and said, "No hard feelings, right." And she said no.

So what should I do, guys?

I almost demanded right then and there that she have no further contact with him.

But I wanted to check and see what the consensus was here first.

Because she is my first girlfriend, I don't know the answer to this question: IS IT REASONABLE TO DEMAND THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?

People who have had girlfriends before, please respond.

I did tell her that she had to choose between me and him, and she said, but I don't look at him like that.

But I wanted to DEMAND that she not talk to him or see him.

Should I?

I appreciate any replies. I'm really an unsure of what to do.

--BGC

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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 06-01-2001).]

Don_090
06-01-2001, 07:08 PM
assure her thoughts that he's up to no good and only wants to screw her, aleinate him out of her miond the best you can, make her glad she's with you and not him,

If you DEMAND her to stop seeing him she will not, and she'll be pissed at you for being so INSENSITIVE and CONTROLLING, leading to the end of your relationship, and you know exectly who'll take your place, do this with charm and smoothness, the rest of the guys can probaboly say more, outta here my man, and good luck, oh, and kick his ass for me, http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/biggrin.gif

------------------
The greatest barrier to achievement or success is not lack of talent or ability but rather, the fact that achievement and success, beyond a certain level, are outside our self-concept - our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.
The greatest barrier to love is the secret fear that we are unlovable. The greatest barrier to happiness is the wordless sense that happinessis not our proper destiny.

- Nathaniel Branden.

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
me? - Jack Handey

"You can tell whether a man is clever by his answers. You can tell whether a man is wise by his questions."
- Mahfouz, Naguib

Those who seek to achieve things should show no mercy Kautilyn

Jestes dziwna dziewczyna, idz na drzewo

Albion
06-01-2001, 07:26 PM
Tough one...

On one hand you can't tell her never to see him again. She'll look at you as being controlling and like Don said may lead to a break up. On the other hand she may be schlepping him on the side. What to do, what to do.

This has to be a test. Women know that once they say something like this and bring out the jealousy demon he doesn't go away until the other person is out of the picture. I am almost positive she wants to see what your response is and whether it's safe to take your relationship to the next level.

If this is the case I would just be there for her. She's a big girl and can make up her own mind. Tell her, "You know I love you and will always be there for you. I completely trust you and know you will make the right choice no matter what it is." With these two sentences you show that you trust her, love her, and are willing to let her make up her own mind about things. She will respect you for that and hopefully you pass the test.

-al

Don_Juanabe
06-01-2001, 07:34 PM
After my ex dumped me I told her that while she and I were together she should not have been hanging out on occasion with the guy she dated before me, which she had been doing on occasion, because she was not over him. Her response was to tell me that she didn't like that I was telling her that she was doing something wrong. Duh, no shyt. She didn't like being made to feel guilty. Your g-friend is not over her ex. As we have had beaten into us on this board, challenge is a major turn-on to chicks. Your g-friend sees much more challenge in her ex than in you, because she loved him yet he ended their relationship. She wants to know that she is worthy in his eyes; she wants the challenge of getting him back, and has wanted that for years. She already has you, you present far less challenge. Part of me wants my ex back because I want the challenge of rekindling our relationship and of not doing things that I did before. If you confront her you will create negative feelings -- and since you will be the source of those feelings you will eventually regret it. Let's be honest -- you are with her, but her heart is with her ex, regardless of what she SAYS. My advice is for you to grab your heart back from her, view her OBJECTIVELY at all times, if you are emotionally tied to her undo those ties. Be busy for the next week or two and decrease the amount of time you are with her or communicating with her. If she misses you then she will pine for you. If she doesn't and uses your absence as an excuse to see her ex then you never had a chance anyway. But I am telling you to take heed right now. Be very calm, unemotional, cool. Any show of emotions, whether angry or sappy, will only make you worse off. You need to be a challenge without actually doing/saying anything.

DJBe

locrian
06-01-2001, 08:28 PM
Listen to your gut! It's your friend who never lies!

Originally posted by BGC:

* And then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."


Oh come on, how many ways are there for a woman to "care for" someone (especially an ex she's carrying the flame for)? When a woman says she "cares for" someone it only means one thing and it means exactly what you think it means. Listen to your gut, man.


Because she is my first girlfriend, I don't know the answer to this question: IS IT REASONABLE TO DEMAND THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND STOP ALL CONTACT WITH HER EX-BOYFRIEND?


In this case, I wouldn't demand she stop all contact. Making demands is not cool. But I'd let her know that she needs to choose between you and him (which you did - good job)


I did tell her that she had to choose between me and him, and she said, but I don't look at him like that.


She doesn't look at him like what? Like an ex boyfriend who's been calling her, who she's admitted she would go back to? Notice how she didn't choose for you. She gave you the run-around. Based solely on what you've told us, this guy is very much "like that" he is potential dating material as far as your GF is concerned.

She needs to know that you value your relationship with her BUT that her pining away for her ex boyfriend is unacceptable behaviour. She needs to know that you can and will walk if she insists on pining for her ex. This is crap you don't have to put up with.

This means she can't
- tell you she still cares for him
- meet him for breakfast just the two of them
- be waiting for him to ask her back

but she can
- talk to him on the phone *occasionally*

Albion, usually I'm with you, and I'm with you in your last post up until the "you know I love you..." part. Maybe this is just a style thing, but I'd be more aggressive, as in "Look, you can talk to whoever you want, I don't mind. But I do mind you pining away for your ex. I value our relationship, and if you value our relationship, we won't have to talk about this again."

Admittedly this IS a tough one, I'm looking forward to seeing everyone else' opinion.

wutang180
06-01-2001, 10:17 PM
My girlfriend of about seven months just dropped a bomb on me. She told me she still "cares" for her ex.

Oh oh do i smell competition

Here are the facts (as she told them).

* They were together 2 years.

* They broke up 4 years ago.

* He broke it off by walking out of her place, but he said as he left, "Let's just say it's not over." (Whatever the fukk that means.)

He probably was banging alot of chicks before her.If this was the only chick that he was banging, he would not walk out on her like that.

They've kept in touch for these four years. By her estimates, they talked about five or six times a year.

Of course, they don't talk about 5 to 6 times a year. Maybe 5 or 6 times a month but not 5 or 6 times a year. He wants to make sure that he has some easy pus*sy on the side

She told me she didn't see anyone for a long time because he said "let's just say it's not over."

She is head over heals for him and would definately get back together with him if he asked.

I pressed her on and she said she would have gone back to him.

She is whipped.

then she said she "cares" for him still. Then I said, "You CARE for him?" And she said yes, I do, but "not in that way."

She is such a bull****er


She also said he called her TWO DAYS AGO. She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him." So then they hung up. But she said he called back and said, "No hard feelings, right." And she said no.

What type of disrespectful stuff is that. He told her that he wants to **** her eventhough he knows that you two are going out. Did she tell you that she was offended when he said that. "I don't think it would be fair for him" is this all that she said? She didn't curse this son of a ***** off.

So what should I do, guys?[/QUOTE]
This is a catch 22. I think that if you tell her not to have any futhur contact with him this might make her want him more and probably not tell you about this situation. If you don't do nothing about this situation, you are basically giving her a 'get sex free pass' . With time love builds. So you have to figure out some way for her to want you more to forget about this guy. She is obssesed with this guy. You know it and all of the DJ's know it. They haven't been together in about 4 years and she still wants hi. If i were you just speak to her more about this situation and you two have to compromise on this subject.

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"the only risk that u take in life is not taking any risk at all"
( http://i.am/thesource )

Peak
06-01-2001, 10:32 PM
I'd say the best tactic is to treat her exactly how he treated her. Most girls are very weak to guys walking out on them cold. So at the end of the day she either forgets that guy or you leave her, cold. Don't get angry...you have to be cool and justt simply say it's over. In the mean time get yourself another chick to bonk.

Later.

Surfboard
06-01-2001, 11:17 PM
She told me she still "cares" for her ex. (I dropped the bomb on her that she's my first girlfriend, then she dropped this.)

Why the heck would she tell you that after you just told her she's your first girlfriend?

Maybe she said that to hint to you not to get too attached to her, because she still has feelings for her ex.

She said she told him there's someone new in her life, and he said, "I can still call and badger you then, right?" And she said, "I don't think it would be fair to him."

Maybe she did tell him this to make him jealous.

Then again, it could be some kind of test.

I'd say the safest route would be to treat this as some kind of test. Albion's advice sounds pretty good, but don't let her pull that shyt again.

Who knows? http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/confused.gif

Man Of Adventure
06-02-2001, 12:24 PM
Does that not say she likes to play games with people.She wants her ex to say he wants her.It still seems that it really wont be over.Shes talking about her ex here.Shes reekin her thought of her ex on ya.Just tell her that you can care for him as much as you want.Dont give a ****.If she pulls any **** by some chance or you think that for some reason,leave her or youre gonna be emotionally damaged bad.Dont wanna end up as a nice guy dont wanna put up with it.

------------------
Us MEN have got to win our battles somehow....
or those feminine guys with tits will take over us...:(

Albion
06-02-2001, 02:07 PM
Originally posted by Peak:
I'd say the best tactic is to treat her exactly how he treated her. Most girls are very weak to guys walking out on them cold. So at the end of the day she either forgets that guy or you leave her, cold. Don't get angry...you have to be cool and justt simply say it's over. In the mean time get yourself another chick to bonk.

Later.

Peak, you have a point there.

-al

BGC
06-02-2001, 03:43 PM
Thanks for all the replies, guys.

I'm sitting in the library here ready to puke.

Everyone is right on this (including me): She was in love with him and still probably loves him.

Yesterday something new happened since the original post.

On the phone with her, I asked her whether she lied to her ex-boyfriend about him being her first boyfriend (she says he was her first boyfriend).

And then she said, "Oh no, I never had to lie. He never asked." Short pause, then she said kind of fondly, "He was a rare bird."

It almost made me sick on the phone.

Then I said, "I'm glad you've opened up to me, but I really don't want to hear about him."

Then I said, "I don't give two ****s about him."

And then there was a long pause. And I was determined to sit there for ten minutes until she said something.

So after about seven seconds, she said, "Are you angry?"

And I said no.

Then we hung up. I went to the gym

When I got back, she'd left a message.

She said, in as many words, it seemed like you were angry about me mentioning my ex, and I just want to say he's not important in my life, you're important in my life, etc. And she said you can call me tonight if you want.

I didn't call.

And one other thing she said, yesterday, during the initial conversation in which she admitted she "still" cares for her ex.

She said that when I told her she was my first girlfriend, she was disappointed because she figured then that we it "would eventually end." She said that because I'd want to sow my oats, we wouldn't go long term. And she then said, well girls don't really say this, but you know we think long term, and so I don't think you'd think of your first girlfriend as someone you'd marry and have kids with. (I said I wouldn't rule it out.)

Then she said that since I plan to go into politics, she was thinking that if she became my wife she'd have to get into politics too.

So she is into me.

But still I think she's still way into her ex.

So shhit. We're supposed to be seeing a movie tonight, and I'm supposed to be calling her and telling her when to come over.

But I feel sick to my stomach because I believe it in my gut that she's still way into him.

I'm actually torn right here between crying and between throwing a rage right in the library...

Anyways, thanks for the replies, guys. I don't know what I'm going to do.

--BGC

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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

[This message has been edited by BGC (edited 06-02-2001).]

Monkey
06-02-2001, 04:23 PM
Why not tell her you need some space?

I'd say "lets have some time apart to think about whats important in our lives"

If shes interested in this ex then she'll use this time to try to get back with him (and if she does you KNOW shes not worth your time) and also you can evaluate whether you want to be second best.

BGC - DONT YOU WANT TO BE THE BEST BOYFRIEND A GIRL HAS HAD??? It is possible, but staying around someone who doesnt think so is always going to end in pain - you will always feel down about yourself - not what you need in a relationship.

Also shes proved she doesnt respect you by continuing to come out with all this hype about her ex!

Try some time apart for her and YOU to sort your minds and feeling out.

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Nice guys wait - GOOD GUYS DATE!

'You know women mate, like monkeys they are, won't let go of one branch till they get a grip on the next.'

NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER
06-02-2001, 05:51 PM
BGC,
Do u love her combined with being in love with her, or not?

And what possessed u to tell her she was your first gf?

BGC, just my analysis, no disrespect, but earlier this year u seemed on top of your game--WHAT THE FLUCK HAPPENED?

Also some general advice about your situation. I remember u mentioning something about her saying to u that u cant boss her around when she was being bittchy, so dont boss her around and tell her what to do or u just lower yourself more in her eyes. U would look insecure.

Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.

Keep us posted. Your situations r very good examples for the rest of the board. Good luck. Also stay calm if and when she talks about that guy again. Dont act like it phased u.

BGC
06-02-2001, 06:11 PM
Originally posted by NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER:
BGC,
Do u love her combined with being in love with her, or not?

And what possessed u to tell her she was your first gf?

BGC, just my analysis, no disrespect, but earlier this year u seemed on top of your game--WHAT THE FLUCK HAPPENED?

Also some general advice about your situation. I remember u mentioning something about her saying to u that u cant boss her around when she was being bittchy, so dont boss her around and tell her what to do or u just lower yourself more in her eyes. U would look insecure.

Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.

Keep us posted. Your situations r very good examples for the rest of the board. Good luck. Also stay calm if and when she talks about that guy again. Dont act like it phased u.

I'm at the "toppest" of my game I've ever been. See, my whole goal for so long was to have a girlfriend -- and I've done that.

So no matter what happens, I've succeeded in a great way.

She's never said, "I love you," or "I'm in love with you," or any other variation. (And so obviously I haven't either.)

What she has said, A FUKKING LOT, is things like, "I love it when you do..." "I love how your hair how it..." "I love the way you touch my hair..."

But she hasn't yet said she's in love with me, or she loves me.

I'm not sure how that particular event goes down.

Does a chick just say, "I have something to tell you. I'm in love with you" ?



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"A life spent making mistakes is not only more honourable but more useful than a life spent in doing nothing."

--George Bernard Shaw

Peak
06-02-2001, 09:15 PM
Originally posted by BGC:


Does a chick just say, "I have something to tell you. I'm in love with you" ?




Naaah...usually it happens when say you have given them a wild night and you suddenly have to leave for work or something like that.
It can also happen when they think they are going to lose you for good. When she says it she knows then that she has totally given in to you and she'll do anything for you, your chick sounds like she may be close to saying it, she just has to be a little scared that she is going to lose you...Ithink that'lll solve the ex problem and the I Love you problem.

Man Of Adventure
06-03-2001, 12:38 AM
Hey Ive only had a G friend a long time ago back in 6th grade.I know she was supposed to be precious cuz shes your first g friend.I didnt know what to think.I just had to tell myself she was precious.I mean..**** youre bound to make mistakes.I supposedly said something sexual about her to a friend...and bam there goes the relationship.LOL..it was probably for the better.She would have probably done more damage if I stayed with her any longer.Im actually glad she got fed up..cuz i was such a jerk/nice guy back then.Well youre probably grown up having your first relationship while I am a just graduated freshman in HS.I truely think this girl is more worry than love to you.If you care about the ex thing still...tell her to leave.You definately need to go and have more woman experiences.Help you put on a DJ face http://www.sosuave.com/ubb/wink.gifHell I need to myself.I bet every guy needs to except those nice guys and those men who have already married with a great relationship or a guy with a great relationship.Do you consider your relationship magnificient and healthy,because I dont think it is.Its hurting you and you gotta end the pain before she dumps you and goes after her ex.I mean she barely sees him at all...drive her wild.Ya get where im going.

------------------
Us MEN have got to win our battles somehow....
or those feminine guys with tits will take over us...:(

stuartSan
06-03-2001, 01:24 PM
I used to make EVERY SINGLE mistake from the book. I was the first one to say I love you.. I was acting desperate always.. like saying.. "You know I need you so much.. I can't have you away from me.. even for a moment in my life" and all that crap. I used to be shy. I used to treat her so nice.. her a$$ would grow flowers. She also told me that she missed the way her ex loved her.. and she said these words too. "I don't miss him.. I just miss the way he loved me". (I was on a rebound and so was she)

That was only 4 months ago and I can't believe how stupid I was. When she was telling me all that bullsh1t.. me.. being a niceguy.. listened to her every single whine.. telling her not to be sad, and stuff. So in other terms I was pushing myself into the friend zone. I got dumped. I didn't understand women. So confused.. I searched all over the internet.. just to know whats wrong with me (Out of 7 relationships.. I got dumped 5 times.. and the other 2 didn't really show pain when I ended the relationship)

I've had another relationship when I was jealous.. because we went to a dance club together.. and she wanted to meet her online friends.. that she never seen before. She met up with them.. and 5 mins after talking with them.. she just sat with them and had their drinks.. leaving me alone in my seat with my own friends. She was there for like.. 1 hour or so.. kinda forgot. But it doesn't matter. I showed jealousy.. I was angry.. she came back and my friend said "Hey I think Stuart's pissed at you." She came over and started talking to me and stuff.. I just showed anger and refused to even look at her. She continued laughing and stuff.. like it was a joke (and it was.. anyways) so that pissed me off even more. I was totally ignoring her.. and she wanted to hug me and stuff I just pushed her away. She got pissed and walked out. I don't know why.. but we made out that night after what happened. After that night.. our relationship drifted apart.. and guess what? She dumped me.

Now.. based on my learning experience.. I only have one thing to tell you, BGC. You show jealousy by kicking this guys ass/scolding & demanding her.. you get trouble. You ask her to tell you about him.. and how she feels.. trying to cheer her up.. you get trouble. Try setting up your own rules. Say something like.. "I don't wanna know what you feel for your ex. The only thing that matters is wether or not you appreciate me. If you don't.. we can end it now.. if you do.. maybe things might work out. But either way.. I won't tolerate any disrespect and I hope you understand."

I'm sorry my english/grammar isn't that good so I can't think of a better sentence.. but I think you get the idea.

Good luck and keep us posted.

stuartSan
06-03-2001, 01:30 PM
Things I forgot to mention..

Her online friends were like.. 6-7(in terms of quantity/not quality) guys. Imagine.. 6-7 guys surrounding my chick trying to hit her and drowning her with drinks. That really made me feel ****ty and I was so totally obsessed about why she did that.. and etc. Now I just found out that ignorance is bliss. Uhh.. I don't know why I'm adding craps to this thread neways.. I think I should go now. Bye

Aztec
06-03-2001, 01:59 PM
We feel your pain, man! Experiences like the one you're having now could cloud your DJ intuitions and judgment. Analyze this dilemma objectively. Take a good look at stuartSan's advice:

"I don't wanna know what you feel for your ex. The only thing that matters is whether
or not you appreciate me. If you don't.. we can end it now.. if you do.. maybe things might work out. But either way.. I won't tolerate any disrespect and I hope you understand."


Good Luck!!


[This message has been edited by Aztec (edited 01-19-2002).]

ACTION
06-04-2001, 01:08 PM
Originally posted by NEANDERTHAL SUPERSOLDIER:
BGC,
Just remember this. RIGHT NOW, FROM THIS POINT ON, START WORKING ON REPLACING HER. Either dump her directly, or dump her in your own mind while u continue to do her.


As one of my boys says, "Don't go away mad, just go away!" That's your line of the day, BGC.

ANYONE, guys or girl, who talks about an ex that much is being VERY disrespectful. Believe me, I've done it (yeah, quite manipulative) so I know it's a dis.

stuartSan
06-04-2001, 01:11 PM
Haven't got an update. Hope he's doing fine.

dorian_gray-from.usa
06-04-2001, 01:50 PM
Originally posted by BGC:
Then she said that since I plan to go into politics, she was thinking that if she became my wife she'd have to get into politics too.

--BGC



POINT THERE IS NOT A SET PATTERN FOR
SUCCESS IN LIFE.... sO IN IN THE END TRUST
THAT LITTLE dj IN YOUR tummy!

got it?


*******************

dorian_gray-from.usa
06-04-2001, 01:53 PM
Originally posted by BGC:
Then she said that since I plan to go into politics, she was thinking that if she became my wife she'd have to get into politics too.

--BGC



POINT THERE IS NOT A SET PATTERN FOR
SUCCESS IN LIFE.... sO IN IN THE END TRUST
THAT LITTLE dj IN YOUR tummy!

got it?


*******************

Going into politics? I hope it is not the
fukked up socialism that George B. SHAW
promoted in his "fabian" society.

Promoting less freedom, more state control
and that will give us a better living??

IF thats the case then the UK should be the
richest and most powerfull in the world not
THE U.S.A.!!!!!!

end of rant ---> think, trust your inner DJ!!

Deagleclaw
06-04-2001, 02:25 PM
Well,
there have been numerous replies to this post and I doubt you'll read through enough responses to finally get all the way down here for my opinion, but here it is.

You have a bad situation here. She wants him bad. I can pretty much guarantee if he said he wanted to sleep with her, she wouldn't go for it, but if he said he wanted to get back together... you'd get the short end of the stick. You can't forbid her to talk to him, you can't tell her what to do. Let her know that you do not tolerate divided affection. She'll say she doesn't think of him that way anymore. Tell her it doesn't matter. She is Your girlfriend now... he had his chance, and he should go out and get his own girl. Women do not understand guys the way guys do.

You KNOW he's trying to get in her pants again. Of course this is gonna make you possessive? If it didn't you wouldn't be a man. She is Your girl now. He can get his own. I'd explain it to her in these terms. You bought a car off a guy, but that guy still has an old set of keys... and lately he's been hovering around the car again... The hell are you supposed to think? Of course he's thinking of stealing it, and whether it's for a joy ride or whether he really wants it back doesn't matter.

Dude, I'm afraid you're going to have to give an ultimatum here. She ceases contact with him, if he initiates a call she tells him not to call anymore, if he persists YOU tell him not to call anymore, if he continues, burn his house down. Just kidding. She has to know that in order to stay with you, she has to have NO contact with this guy.

She'll probably give you a "He's a part of my life" speech, which is where you say "And that part's over, move on or move out. I don't need the drama."

Later,
Deagleclaw out

------------------
No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)

BGC
06-04-2001, 04:48 PM
Originally posted by Deagleclaw:
Well,
there have been numerous replies to this post and I doubt you'll read through enough responses to finally get all the way down here for my opinion, but here it is.

You have a bad situation here. She wants him bad. I can pretty much guarantee if he said he wanted to sleep with her, she wouldn't go for it, but if he said he wanted to get back together... you'd get the short end of the stick. You can't forbid her to talk to him, you can't tell her what to do. Let her know that you do not tolerate divided affection. She'll say she doesn't think of him that way anymore. Tell her it doesn't matter. She is Your girlfriend now... he had his chance, and he should go out and get his own girl. Women do not understand guys the way guys do.

You KNOW he's trying to get in her pants again. Of course this is gonna make you possessive? If it didn't you wouldn't be a man. She is Your girl now. He can get his own. I'd explain it to her in these terms. You bought a car off a guy, but that guy still has an old set of keys... and lately he's been hovering around the car again... The hell are you supposed to think? Of course he's thinking of stealing it, and whether it's for a joy ride or whether he really wants it back doesn't matter.

Dude, I'm afraid you're going to have to give an ultimatum here. She ceases contact with him, if he initiates a call she tells him not to call anymore, if he persists YOU tell him not to call anymore, if he continues, burn his house down. Just kidding. She has to know that in order to stay with you, she has to have NO contact with this guy.

She'll probably give you a "He's a part of my life" speech, which is where you say "And that part's over, move on or move out. I don't need the drama."

Later,
Deagleclaw out


Deagleclaw,

I'll read through a million and one replies to my problem -- and when I get to one as insightful as yours, believe me, I'll pay double the attention.

Unfortunately, I just don't know about the big question that you bring up:

If he wanted to sleep with her, she'd say no. (She told me she has said no, he tried in the beginning after they broke up to get some sex from her.)

But the big question is, if he came back wanting a relationship what would she do?

She swears up and down that she's not sexually attracted to him, that she's like a mother to him, and she called him a loser, a guy who was totally wrong for her, a guy who doesn't compare in any way to me, etc.

But yet she insists she "cares" for him. She says, "I care for him. He's a human being!"

(That line alone makes me suspicious. He's a human being? What the fukk?)

Then -- I don't know if I mentioned this before -- she told me that she didn't see anyone for like a full year because he "stringed her along."

Stringed her along? To get stringed along, you really, REALLY have to be into someone, right?

And so he called her last week.

And I just learned yesterday that he showed up at a social event that we were at and I guess just missed us, a social event involving their circle of friends, which is kind of mutual.

So I guess I'm now considerng reversing my position again and demanding no contact.

Does anyone have any further thoughts on this. Even if you've replied already. I'm really, really FUKKING confused by this, and I don't want to blow a good thing, and yet I don't to do the wrong thing. Damn!

--BGC

Dan
06-04-2001, 08:18 PM
Here's my view,
You say they broke up 4 years ago. Then she really should be over him by now. However the fact that he showed up at a social event that you were both at suggests that now that he's found out she's got someone new (you) he's jealous, and maybe wants her back.
She says she isn't sexually attracted to him, that she's like a mother to him, and she's been consistent in saying this, suggesting MAYBE the attraction between them is all one-sided, although she was hung up on him for a long time.

I guess it comes down to this:
Do you still want to be with her?
I don't think you can really demand no contact - ultimatums have a habit of blowing up in your face, although you can make it clear that you aren't happy about it and that you don't think it is fair to you. Tell her she should make up her mind who is really important to her.
It's a tough situation you're in. Sorry I couldn't be more help.

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Experience is something that you don't get until just after you need it

Deagleclaw
06-04-2001, 08:41 PM
Hey,

Good to see you read my reply.

Fact: He is trying to sleep with her. Why else would he bother? How often do you contact ex girlfriends unless you really wanna f*ck em again? Exactly.

Therefore he's the enemy. But he's got background, and she harbours *HOPE*. That "of course I care for him, he's a human being." thing is a load of crap. She is still a little bit in love with him. Fact o' the matter is, that if she doesn't respect the fact that you don't want her to have any contact with this ex then she doesn't respect you.

She fully believes that she'd never desert you to go back to him. Because she's thinking... not feeling. If he works the game, she'll be feeling, not thinking.

Exes do not belong in the picture. You need to find a way to enforce it. He's treading on YOUR territory now. It's your job to protect it. Show her how big a deal it is. Reverse it on her. See how she'd like it. If she says... "but I trust you and know you wouldn't do anything like that." you just smile coldly and say "Wouldn't I? What if it 'Just sort of happened... we got drunk or something.'" Arouse jealosy commin out of her ass, get her super mad at you for something you haven't even THOUGHT of doing. Then flip it back on her, explain that you just let her know how you're feeling by making her feel it, cuz she just wasn't getting it.

Get her REALLY REALLY pissed at you, just the thought of you with another woman should make her cry and throw sh*t... "It COULD happen" and that's what you are trying to avoid with her situation.

hope that helps.
Oh and don't be afraid to go toe to toe with the other guy. He'll back down totally if he's innocent, if he gets in your face it's cuz he percieves you as his enemy. That's when you break his noze, kick him in the balls, punch him in the side of the head, then knee him in the forhead.

Deagleclaw out

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No matter what comes, walk like a man. - Al Lan Mandragoran (Wheel of Time)

maranathaman
06-04-2001, 08:42 PM
I wouldn't throw a tamtrum and demand she not see him anymore, because she will do whatever she wants. BUT, I WOULD say something like: "You are a big girl now, you are entitled to do whatever you want, however, know this! that there WILL be consequences to your actions! If you mess around with other guys, I will walk! I want a gf who is NOT trying to see how much she can get away with as you are doing, but instead I want a gf who wants to get as close to ME as she can, and girlie, right now you are skating on thin ice!" She has to know that you demand RESPECT. If she insists on trying to get away with flirting with this or any other guy, then the consequence is that you will have no problem finding a girl who can be loyal instead of an untrustworthy be-acth like her. Maranathaman has spoken!



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"Please remember to use the "SEARCH" function in this Forum on the topic you have questions about before asking,
because it most likely has been answered already! Thank-You!"

Don_Juanabe
06-05-2001, 01:57 AM
BGC,

Regardless of his intent, her intent, or your intent, there is way too much drama and resentment in your relationship. Honestly, I don't think it will last much longer -- one of you is going to end it. If she eventually tells you she will no longer communicate with him will you believe her? What if they run in to each other incidentally a month from now? She has feelings of love, loss, and challenge toward him, and you have feelings of control, anger, and suspicion toward her. When a relationship becomes filled with this kind of crap it is permanently injured. I don't believe you have any right to control her or order her around -- she is an autonomous person. But the point is you are not happy, and relationships are about being happy. Tell her in no uncertain terms how guys think, what they do, and that bothers you with respect to her. Her resulting behavior will tell you where her feelings lay -- if she had stronger feelings for you than for him would she hang out with him knowing you don't like it? No, she would not. So simply suggest what I said, and if she doesn't tell you that she won't have anything to do with him, walk away and find yourself a relationship without ghost of the past etc. You don't need it, and you don't want it. Think about YOU, don't think about her.

DJBe

Aztec
06-08-2001, 12:10 PM
While or after you and your woman take a break from each other for this specific situation, should the man call the woman first? And how long before you could say "It's over"? I mean let's say you told your girl that she has to think hard about who to choose between her ex and you, by telling her it's better for you to be apart for a while, for her to do some serious reflection (because you wont tolerate this crap). How long do you wait to realize that she is, or she is not, worth your time?

SoSuave.com
01-12-2002, 07:52 PM
bump

dutchie
01-14-2002, 05:09 PM
I have been in the exact situation a couple of times. And trust me, if you have to talk to her about it more than 3 times, or it drags on (him calling, etc) then you can be pretty much sure that he is in her mind more than just when he calls. If she really, really, really, cared about a future with you..or was totally sure of what she wanted, he wouldn't be an issue, you wouldn't have to talk about it more than once, and it most likely wouldn't bother you. Some others made a comment about your gut. Listen to it.

Aztec
01-19-2002, 11:18 AM
I've been searching for this thread for a long time. I remember replying to it. ONE OF THE BEST DISCUSSION!

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"Don't think you are, you know you are."

-Morpheus-

Zman1
01-23-2002, 12:39 PM
My advice to you is if she said that and you guys are intimate she is probably thinking about her ex. To me i wouldnt feel right making love to a woman that wasnt thinking about me. I'd tell her to hit the road

Aztec
12-18-2004, 08:01 AM
Originally posted by maranathaman
I wouldn't throw a tamtrum and demand she not see him anymore, because she will do whatever she wants. BUT, I WOULD say something like: "You are a big girl now, you are entitled to do whatever you want, however, know this! that there WILL be consequences to your actions! If you mess around with other guys, I will walk! I want a gf who is NOT trying to see how much she can get away with as you are doing, but instead I want a gf who wants to get as close to ME as she can, and girlie, right now you are skating on thin ice!" She has to know that you demand RESPECT. If she insists on trying to get away with flirting with this or any other guy, then the consequence is that you will have no problem finding a girl who can be loyal instead of an untrustworthy be-acth like her. Maranathaman has spoken!



If there's one thing that is the most memorable post that had an impact in my DJ explores, this would be it.

In my last relationship, I used this line and it absolutely shocked her because I'm the type of guy who keeps it to himself. So when I said this she was blindsided big time.

Of course it work on my favor, table was turned and she chased me love-crazed stalker.

Pancho84
01-02-2005, 09:03 PM
Try walking on his shoes for a minute and read her responses from his point of view.. are they entirely positive or are they wishy washy? If you were him and say you were actually trying to get back in her pants.. do you think she would give in? Make sure you look at it from an objective view, you might be too close to the situation to make a wise judgment.

I have ex's. I care about them as much as I care about any other human being, no more no less. This however, doesnt mean I'm still "a lil' in love with them in the back of my head.."
She can still care about someone and not be interested in them. Doing this however, takes a bit of maturity and it's a bit of maturity most women don't have although they might. Remember that women are sentimental creatures and.. as such are more RE-ACTIVE than proactive. That is why they don't think too much about what they do but rather just do what their heart tells them.

i dont think you have enough to work with here. Why dont you go ahead and find out what she's up to? she's never going to tell you EXACTLY what is going on, how she is feeling and what her near-future plans are....

What would I do if I was you?
I'm clear cut. If I sense that she is not respecting me the way I expect a woman that is with me, sleeping with me and consuming my time, then I let her know how she is pushing buttons and pushing her luck. Afterall you are in a relationship and she needs to realize that. You have feelings just like she does. Tell her these things so that she knows that you care about the relationship(otherwise you wouldnt be reasoning these things out...) but you are not an emotional tampon to be dealing with all that drama and disrespect. Tell her you not liking the fact that she keeps constant contact with him is not jealously but a matter of respecting YOU and YOUR RELATIONSHIP.

If she doesnt want to get back with him - and he keeps trying - he is just going to pester her and he'll be diggin' his own grave. If you can make sure somehow, that she doesnt want him then let him dig his own grave. Otherwise you might need to put a foot out the door and make sure she notices....

Silquee Smoove
09-13-2005, 01:03 AM
This thread has always picqued my attention because of how obvious the title is and when I read through the various replies I wasn't getting the answer I was looking for, but somehow I already knew.

This is the chick way of telling you, 50/50 - that she still has a nurturing, caring side for you, but doesn't have the feelings of lust and passion for you anymore.

What I didn't see posted in any of the earlier messages was an explanation of why a girl says she "still CARES for you/him". It depends on the person it is being directed to when she is saying this.

-If she is telling you that she still "cares", because she has broken up with you/dumped you, then you must realize that she is simply humoring you, and "saving face" in the process. She doesn't want to look bad and wants to make it seem like she still has something positive to say about you and to make herself "look" good.

-If she is still telling you that she "cares" for an ex-boyfriend, then she still has more than casual feelings for him and is open to reuniting with him. Beware, there may not be much you can do besides breaking up with her first, because she won't be happy until she gives things another go with her ex.

I've seen the above happen to enough guys, and it used to confuse them, irritate me, and have her leaving the situation with a smile on her face.

As always, "Actions speak louder than words" and she can tell you whatever she wants, but, if you find out differently, then you know she was just telling you a bunch of BS and you can refer to one of the explanations that I've put up there and it will make more sense.

DJ4Real
09-22-2005, 11:35 AM
Don't demand her not to see him. Matter of fact, do the opposite, act like you don't care. If you do this, she'll be thinking "why is he just letting me go like this, doesn't he care about me?"...If she goes out and screws with him anyways....just find another girl.:cool: