As I am getting older I've realized things in my personality that stemmed from being raised without a father figure. I am curious if anyone else had noticed any, perhaps we can see which behaviors could be tuned up.


1. Risk taking. This is a given. Dads will make you go and try things, moms want you safe and sound at home. If your mom is wearing pants, you will likely be more of a wimp. At least until you know better

2. Greater desire for "comfort" and less ability to deal with obstacles. For example, if I didn't get enough sleep I might choose to sleep over and miss a class. Where others will go and toil through it. My sense of comfort is greatly exaggerated

3. Too trusting and too eager to seek advice and accept it as the gospel from "wiser" figures. Up until I was around 24 and realized that everyone is full of sh!t sometimes, I would eat up the words of the people who were older and "wiser". I believe your dads are the ones who, in part of their own ego, will tell you "that guy is full of it" They will also teach you to look for the person's motive, and are just a lot more candid when altercation is involved.

4. Less desire to work /toil, especially for others. Moms will tell you to clean the house, and you might. Dads will come up with something for you to do almost every day. But the good thing, they will let you sit around and enjoy the aftermath with a good meal /drink /conversation.

Well I'm not in the same boat as you, but I was raised mostly by my mom. My parents were split up until 5, but when I was raised my dad was mostly working all the time. Although my mother work a LOT too, I connected with her too, plus, English isnt my dads first language so it was a lil harder for me. (though I know lotta espanol)

Anyway

I've found that targetting what you're problems are is the first step to overcoming them. I definately noticed how comfortable I was sitting at home listening to music, rather than being out and experiencing the world. I tried blaming it on my parents, but ultimatly its up to YOU to change ur life....you know the old saying, "it doesnt matter where you come from, but where you're headed." You're mother seems like a great mom if you were smart enough to find this site haha

Sometimes the mother takes a "rough" angle and tries to be a 'dad' as well, it works sometimes.

Don't know if this helped at all....but theres my 2 cents, wait for the real DJs to come later aha.

Ps. Also about some of your points.....its generalize thats dads only make their sons work....but definately Moms can take charge and force lessons onto their children.

yea i get what your saying...i was raised by my mom....and oohhhhhhh boy...

i wouldnt call myself a wimp but a few people said i was "soft"..
i dont really take risk....
i used to be too trusting until my heart got sh!tted on..and the people i trusted betrayed me.

these things in my personality i can change and life will probaly have to teach some lessons my mom screwed up on...

At least you got raised by somebody. I was pretty much shoved aside and nobody cared much about me. For example, I had to learn to do many things by myself. As a result, I tie my shoes in a very strange way nobody uses. I also grab the fork in a way it's "not apropiate" and don't get me started abut the knife. I never learned to socialize and had to learn it slowly. Anything you're supposed to learn from dad and mom I had to grasp it by myself. Pretty cool, huh?

I have noticed the chang in my life since I have been giving myself up to djing=being a man past 3yrs I have been away from my home and in college for the past 3yrs and I have moved back home with my singe parent mom (im about to b a home owner soon she and I both have noticed a big change in how I dont take crap off of people and I get more respect from people and carry myself in a different manner now so yeah living with your mom definatley has an affect on your life more than you think.DJing has def help me see things from a male perspective because this is who you where meant to be a man

My parents divorced when I was 3 and my brother I lived with our mother till I was 13. She had me at 22 and was on welfare most of the time. But we still went to church every Sunday which had both a good and a bad impact on me. I was a very disturbed child and nobody really knows what happened to me.

I lived with my dad from then on till I was 23 but by the time I moved in the damage had already been done. Amazingly nobody thought to put the kids in therapy. My brother ended up surviving a self-inflected gunshot and I ended up being a loner with no friends and never having had a girlfriend.

So now at 28 I'm going through CBT trying to fix that mess that my life is.

I will add one more thing. It should help a few.


The biggest factor in our lives is how our parents affected us as kids. If your parents were always busy, and did not spend enough time with you, hence not giving you enough Love, then you will grow up, and desperately search for someone who will like you, accept you, and to get that Love from.

There are two problems here.

One, too many people try to do it too soon, marrying young, getting into bad relationships, just to belong and have someone care/love them. They must develop their own self Love first to be able to screen for the right person.

Two, essentially, they are using these people. They want to take Love, but they aren't really giving any back. This isn't fair for the other person, and that is the doom of that relationship.


For more insightful info - The Road Less Traveled is your friend.

bump

I'm in the same boat as you guys. My dad was constantly working or passed out with a beer, and my mom ruled the roost. At this late age I'm still working on becoming an authentic man, but I'm making some tangible progress now.

It really is dawning on my how nobody taught me anything in life. There was never even one discussion about my future, although my 3 sisters all went to college. I think my parents had given up on me because I was always sick with Colitis. I'm appalled today at the complete lack of concern for my future.

I personally have noticed the same side effects in myself that the OP brought up. It's hard to retrain oneself because those bricks in our foundations were laid so long ago in our formative years, but I'm convinced that there can be no nobler cause than a man who recognizes the problem and takes steps to become the man he wants to be. Someone who grew up with a dad who taught him about being a man simply will never be able to relate to the magnitude of the struggle. But it's exhiliarating to take on the seemingly impossible and to start to see progress.

Been lurking for ages, just reading, absorbing, putting things into practice but oddly enough this is the first thread that has prompted me to post. Atom Smasher's experience is closest to my own but all the stories resonate. The consistency is the suprising thing though, looks like we know precisely how to turn a boy into an introverted, risk averse young man. Kind of begs the question, how do you take a boy and turn him into a confident, sel-sufficient man? Something for another thread.

Anyway, glad to say I was able to unlearn a lot of the AFC traits I was raised with. It was never a socially crippling thing for me and I always believed I had value. For what it's worth I took the "fake it till you make it" approach, I 'acted' confident until I didn't have to, it was something I learned through practice and repetition. Needless to say it helps knowing your subject inside out, whatever that happens to be.

So what have you guys specifically done to overcome the parental programming you received (or didn't receive)? No judgement, just very interested in what worked for you personally.

Oxide said:

But the good thing, they will let you sit around and enjoy the aftermath with a good meal /drink /conversation.

Click to expand...

I totally agree with this bit. I miss the old days I had with my old man, we're not talking now for whatever reasons. He has a neverending ego that shuns anyone and everybody, but the guy is wise and means good. I miss not having that hardheaded push and discovering new things about being a man.

I remember when he gave me my first zinc tablet and told me to take it everyday after training. That day, I honestly felt inriched and so much life was suddently inside me. He'd wake me up 6am in the morning to do 2 laps with him in the park. Do some studying and then have one of the greatest meals afterwards, my mom says he's still a better cook than her, even though she hates his guts.