Hi guys.

In the mood to spill out my guts so here it goes.

I just turned 34 yrs old in February, I got divorced during the summer of 2008.
It pains me to say this but I am 95 % sure that my wife left me for another man. We were having problems and was I happy ? Not really, but I think she was unhappier. We got married when I was 24 yrs old.

At first, the prospect of my new found freedom was exciting, a new adventure was beginning. But today I feel lost, lonely , confused and my moral is quite low.

When I was 24 being single was way much funner, being single at 34 without kids is not a good feeling. It's amazing how much we change in our 30's. I want kids and a family.

I should preface everything Im saying by telling you a little about myself. I have an excellent job and make good money, I have an Ivy league education. I work out 3-4 times a week, Im 6-3 and in excellent shape. I used to be a scratch golfer on my university golf team, now I have a hard time breaking 80 because I have lost interest in it . Everytime spring rolls around I get exctied but after a few times on the course my enthusiasm fades quickly because I can't play like I used too and I know after golf I will be going home to an empty house except my two dogs who are the world to me but they are getting older.

I used to have many friends in my early twenties, most of them have moved , gotten married or we have just lost touch. I made the big mistake of not hanging with my friends enough when I was married, I would feel weird trying to re-connect with them now.

I have sex quite regularly with girls I meet, except I have no feelings for these girls. Call me a chick but no feeling sex does nothing for me and sex with a condom after 8 yrs bare back sucks big time. I was over at this girls place a few hours ago and I could not ***. It just adds to my depression. I wanted to take the condom off but I don't.

I joined a new golf club last year in the hope of meeting new people and getting a fresh start, but at this type of club it seems kind of hard for new people to make friends, it's only been one yr but I will keep trying next year.

Occasionally I will treat myself to material possesions but it only distracts me for a few hours.

I recently met a girl who I was getting kind of serious with, but after 4 months she has started to play games, Im at a stage in my left where I have no time , interest or patience for this. Im kind of hurt by her games although I have not told her this. But I dont know if I will be able to trust her again. Out of nowhere, she just started playing hard to get and seeming less interested in hanging, it's confusing and frustrating.

Going to bars and clubs does nothing for me, in fact it makes me feel worse ( the what the hell am I doing here attitude ) so please don't recomend this. Staying home alone on Friday night feels like **** too but at least I can hang with my dogs and not be tempted to hit the booze.

I really need a serious GF, someone i can talk too, someone I can trust but girls kind of pick up on the neediness stuff and don't like it. I want to build a life with someone special, I know how much I have to offer.

Nothing in life seems to excite me like it used too.....................Thanks for listening fellas.

I have a very important question that I need to know the answer to before I can consider a reply.

What kind of dogs do you own?

Cheers!

I have 2 bullmastiffs Roman.................A very special breed of dog imho.

Here is the advice you need:

1) Stop using 'Life misspent'. Terrible way to define yourself.
2) Create a new handle like 'Carpe Diem'; translates as seize the day. Be creative.

See what I'm getting at? You need to apply this to your entire life. If you can't manage to change and hold onto a better attitude yourself, consider getting advice in real-life from someone you trust. Despite the availability of the net it can't substitute for real people.

lifemisspent said:

It just adds to my depression.

...girls kind of pick up on the neediness stuff and don't like it.

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They also pick up on depression in men....and avoid it .

I understand that you want a traditional marriage with all the trimmings - no problem in wanting that, BUT a suitable contender for the role of a wife is unlikely to be eager to sign up with a guy who radiates neediness and depression. Traditional girls seek traditional men - strong leadership, dominance, being cool under fire, head of the household type.
My guess is that you are sending out some (or a lot) of signals of the opposite kind without realizing it..

Being a traditional husband in a traditional marriage is the most burdensome of all possible male roles. You, as "the man ", do most of the heavy lifting, most of the decision making, and all of the providing and protecting. Therefore, to create a successful traditional marriage, you need to be in the kind of mental and emotional and physical condition to fulfil those requirements.

Are you ?

jophil28 said:

They also pick up on depression in men....and avoid it .



Being a traditional husband in a traditional marriage is the most burdensome of all possible male roles. You, as "the man ", do most of the heavy lifting, most of the decision making, and all of the providing and protecting. Therefore, to create a successful traditional marriage,
Are you ?

Click to expand...

I honestly think what you are describing is not totally realisitic. Sure on the surface many men appear this way, but deep down they are human like everybody else. How many men do you actually know who are like this ? I don't know too many to be honest with you , of course there is lot's of false bravado out there, guys pretending to be like this and telling all their buddies they are but in fact it's just a sharrade.......... I would say less then 20% of men are genuinely as you describe. 50 yrs ago things were different for sure Im quite certain. If women really ultimately wanted exactly what you describe there were be far less than 80% of 40 yr old men who are married.

It's not false bravado. A lot of guys are capable of working extremely hard for extended durations and overcoming difficult and dangerous situations because they have character. That's what women mean when they talk about 'being a man'... we understand how, and in practice crush our emotions to do what's needed, despite cost to ourselves. Women *dream* of supporting their men, but their man still needs to be worth supporting.

Depression is a sign of emotional weakness which could prompt self-defeating behaviour under stress. Girls become much less forgiving of this as they age. If a girl loves you, she will support you, but if she realizes she propping up a defective man she will have nothing but contempt for him.

I'm not accusing you of any of these things OP -- but women desire strength, poise, and competence like we desire clear skin, a healthy figure, and femininity in bed. Weakness is a very unattractive quality in a man. Even to other men!

If you can't sort this out yourself go get professional counselling for depression, this is a net bulletin board about interacting with women. It ain't gonna change your life.

lifemisspent said:

I would say less then 20% of men are genuinely as you describe. 50 yrs ago things were different for sure Im quite certain. If women really ultimately wanted exactly what you describe there were be far less than 80% of 40 yr old men who are married.

Click to expand...

I did not say that most men are as I described. Most men fall short.

I was trying to say to you that it is probable that traditional gals who share your own expressed wishes and desires for a marriage and family would seek a man who demonstates as many, and as much, of the qualities that I described.
Print out my post above and show it to a conservative woman who is about your own age and watch her response.

Ultimately, if you want a marriage with a traditional/ conservative woman of quality then YOU need to do everything in your power to increase your own value .

In the end , we human beings , like water, find our own level.

I agree with waitout. In any successful marriage, it's the man that's doing the heavy lifting. That's the reason why so many marriages aren't successful these days. In the old days, the roles of husband and wife were very clearly delineated. The man was the rock, the provider and the clear leader of the relationship. The man was clearly in charge and the undisputed head of the household.

While most women these days claim to be feminists, they still want a guy who will take charge. That's what masculine is. Masculine is strong and decisive. That's part of the reason why "bad boys" are so attractive. It's probably also a major reason as to why most divorces are initiated by women. Most "marriages" these days have devolved into friendships between 2 people who occasionally rub genitals.

OP, you seem to be in a state of depression and desperation. The more desperate and depressed you are, the harder it will be to get what you want. Your handle pretty much says everything. Nobody in the world owes you a goddamn thing. There's no use being said and depressed about your predicament. You need to get up off the floor and do something!

wait_out said:

Depression is a sign of emotional weakness which could prompt self-defeating behaviour under stress. Girls become much less forgiving of this as they age. If a girl loves you, she will support you, but if she realizes she propping up a defective man she will have nothing but contempt for him.

If you can't sort this out yourself go get professional counselling for depression, this is a net bulletin board about interacting with women. It ain't gonna change your life.

Click to expand...

While I applaud your conclusion that the OP should get professional counseling, the original statement that "depression is a sign of emotional weakness" is cold and flat out wrong. Depression can be a sign of physical problems, brain chemistry problems, etc. For those who truly suffer from depression, the day to day circumstances of their lives are often irrelevant. They can be depressed whether things are going good or not.

I would bring in one more possibility for the OP to consider. Could your depression be at least partially caused by the disconnection between your desire (to have a successful and traditional marriage) and the reality of what you've experienced in your life (divorce) and what most men experience (lousy marriages ultimately leading to divorce)? Sometimes our minds subliminally tell us when our desires are false and that can lead to frustration and depression.

And before everyone concludes about the OP that his attitude is driving women away he made it clear that he was having no problems getting women. Perhaps he should enjoy that experience first before he jumps into his next marriage.

Good luck, OP. and please take your depression seriously and seek professional assistance.

lifemisspent said:

I have 2 bullmastiffs Roman.................A very special breed of dog imho.

Click to expand...

There's your answer. Forget about women and relationships while you sort things out in your head. Like a Phoenix, you have to rise from the ashes as a stronger man with a new awareness.

You seem like a good and honorable guy. You're fodder for today's women. They'll chew you up and spit you out in a heartbeat. Honor without strength is ignorance.

You must get it out of your head that you "need" a woman. You don't. Once you look inside and get comfortable with yourself, women will need you.

Which brings me to your dogs. There's where your comfort and understanding will come from as you clear your head. They'll love you unconditionally as you go through your pain. Don't underestimate it. Dogs are man's best friend.


Good luck.


Cheers!

davewe said:

And before everyone concludes about the OP that his attitude is driving women away he made it clear that he was having no problems getting women. Perhaps he should enjoy that experience first before he jumps into his next marriage.

Good luck, OP. and please take your depression seriously and seek professional assistance.

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The OP is indeed "getting" women. The problem seems to be that he has not dated anyone,or slept with any woman with whom he has felt an emotional connection as a precursor to a possible LTR.

Ironically, many guys on this site would consider that situation to be a personal blessing.

OP - I know where you're coming from because i'm in the same boat. 34 years old, now going through divorce. Unlike you though I have two children with the ex.

It's true, you do lose touch with friends and after spending so long in a relationship, and find that when you come out of it, it's a huge adjustment to your lifestyle which many people struggle with.

I've not been on here long but I have read various parts of the DJ bible. One part of this is really relevant to you. You're basing your future happiness and well-being on finding a woman, getting married, having kids, living happily ever after etc.

You need to change your outlook. A woman is merely an extension to your own life, she is not a 'must'. You have to go out and find your own passions and enjoy your own pursuits. If a woman comes along, then hey, bonus, but the ideology that a relationship will fill a hole in your life is not necessarily true. There are millions of people out there in relationships who are far from happy.

Learn the positive thinking. You can have what woman you like, it's just that you're taking your time, waiting to find the one that you find the connection with. This should be an exciting time - you're playing the field and each day is an uncertainty. At one point someone special will surface, but until then, realise that most people in relationships live mundane routines without much excitement. Many would truly envy the opportunities and lifestyle you have now.

Do you have a best friend? A buddy you can talk to, go out with, share your secrets with? I find that to be a big boost if you do. Woman come and go, friends are usually for life. Always remember that because one day you'll want your friends back again, if you put them aside for a woman.

You can look at your current life in two ways:

1. I'm single and don't like it. I feel empty.

2. I'm single and have a great opportunity to shape my life, enjoy myself and my freedom.

Try to change your thinking towards the latter. And remember at the same time that whatever you want in life, patience is a virtue. You can't expect it all overnight.

Good luck

If you’ve been feeling this way more than 6 months then you have clinical depression and need to seek treatment for it.

However, I’ve seen a lot of posters here who are just going through a tough spot and they get over it with some of the info here; and, frankly, most people get better with no intervention at all.

But I see two red flags: 1) This recent chick you were “getting kind of serious with..”; and 2) "...not be tempted to hit the booze..”

If it’s this chick, it will pass and this site will help. If its booze. It will not pass without some hard work.

Only you have the answers you need.

Look,you split in the summer of 08,that's almost two years ago,you should be coming out the other end of the tunnel by now,yet you seem to hang on to desperation.
I went through the same thing with a 15 yr relationship and it took more than a year to emerge from the depths.
Now looking back I feel embarrased and shame of how AFC I was and a wuss.
Sure now and then I see or hear something that takes me back but it does not last long (seconds!)and soon I realize that I'm free! of that mill stone around my neck that she was.You said you were not happy either,so wtf?.

Screw golf man ,that's not a sport,learn martial arts do somethig exiting and get out of your comfort zone.You have money ....use it!
Travel,go Egypt or Fiji,don't look for LTRs,you'll find somebody when you least expect it,make it difficult on yourself,make a rule,bang chicks exclusively between 22 and 27 or something like that.
That chick that's playing hard to get...tell her why are you playing hard to get lost....get lost already!!!
You want advice and then say don't suggest this or that...sounds like you already have your mind set on being an AFC.
To get over a relationship I believe that you need time proportional to the length of the relationship,for a 10yr I would say a year or maybe a couple of extra months.You are taking a little longer,that's ok but don't make it a state of being.You are 34 man!,if I was 34....and besides you seem to have the material part down,look for a challenge and trust me ,screw golf,it's an activity for old men(flame me if you want)and YES it takes some skill to be good at it but so does yo-yoing.
In a mutshell,snap out of it! and I can tell you that cause I was there.Check my on-screen name.....check my signature......

I have sex quite regularly with girls I meet, except I have no feelings for these girls. Call me a chick but no feeling sex does nothing for me and sex with a condom after 8 yrs bare back sucks big time.

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I totally agree about sex with a condom, but you have to do what you have to do. I've also been in that position of having "meaningless" sex with girls, and while a lot of guys here make that their goal, I ultimately found it unsatisfying also. Thing is, you have to keep slogging through these girls to eventually meet one that meets your standards for a relationship.

I recently met a girl who I was getting kind of serious with, but after 4 months she has started to play games, Im at a stage in my left where I have no time , interest or patience for this.

Click to expand...

That's the problem with all these games. At some point they get played on someone who isn't willing to put up with them. How many people might otherwise have hooked up? On the other hand, I think it's quite probable this girl isn't suited for you, and this is a warning sign of that.

I really need a serious GF, someone i can talk too, someone I can trust but girls kind of pick up on the neediness stuff and don't like it. I want to build a life with someone special, I know how much I have to offer.

Click to expand...

People will roast you alive for "needing" a serious girlfriend around here, but I know where you're coming from. Sounds like you need some work on your "inner game", being happy within yourself as opposed to finding happiness in others, that sort of thing. Like you say, girls can pick up on the neediness. If you stick around here and keep your eyes open, there's plenty of material here on inner game or suggestions on where you can find it.

I honestly think what you are describing is not totally realisitic. Sure on the surface many men appear this way, but deep down they are human like everybody else. How many men do you actually know who are like this ?

Click to expand...

The kind of guy Jophil is describing (you might also consider him an alpha male) is the kind of guy you want to work toward being. That's the kind of mindset you want to have, to be the man and be able to handle everything. Not to wallow in neediness. It's true that it's hard work to be that kind of guy, and that not many guys are filling that role these days. But that's the beauty of the challenge. Challenge yourself to be the best man you can be.

To the OP, a few random questions in no particular order. Don't know if they'll help.

What are your criteria for your ideal girlfriend/wife/partner?

How do you plan on identifying those criteria when you meet a suitable candidate? How can you tell when you look at her, speak with her both before and after sex?

How will you know when she doesn't meet those criteria?

Where would a girl that fit your criteria spend her leisure time?

How often do you go to those places?

How often do you introduce yourself to those girls?

You sound like you've a lot to offer, are you requiring potential mates to offer just as much?

Is it possible to give to yourself what you think can only be fulfilled by others?

Follow up.......

First off what does OP stand for ?

Lot's of questions here guys , Ill try to answer as many as possible, thanks for the feedback.

First off , Im not suffering from depression. When I started feeling this way I began researching the matter, my symptoms don't fit with depression. My work has not been suffering, I am not withdrawn from friends or family, Im continuing to work out and I continue to practice good personal hygiene habits.

My ideal girl needs to be well educated, funny , pretty , whitty, confident and in good shape ( everything this most recent girl has minus the games )

I introduce myself to girls often , Im not shy, like I said I don't have a problem meeting women, I just don't currently have the fortitude to put up with childish games. I meet plenty of girls that I quickly realize I have no interest in.

I used to have massive inner game, could care a less about other people, if someone didnt want to hang around with me, male or female it was always their loss and I did not care but now being 34 I don't feel this way quite as much as I used too, especially with the opposite sex.

I feel really like I am confused with my life in general...................Trying to figure out the pursuit of happiness I guess. It really makes me quesitons civilization when this chick is all over me for three months, then all of a sudden, out of nowhere she starts pulling back. Her behaviour went from one extreme to another, I really want an explanation but will not ask for one. it's so counter intuitive.............Now it's always "Ill call you from her ", instead of firmly commiting to something, Ive blown her off for a week, it didnt work, it didnt seem to re-kindle her interest. She used to call me , email me all the time, we spent some pretty deep moments together, so I thought. She used to tell me how mysterious and hard to read I was, I never changed except I started calling her more often and initiating plans. It was like when I did this she started pulling back, what bull****.

First of all, I want you to keep in mind how much worse your life would have been if you stayed married. You were unhappy and she was unhappier? Give me a break, that is pvssified thinking AT BEST! There is no logical reason for you, the man, to WASTE years and years of his life with a woman who does not make him happy. PERIOD.

Let me put it to you this way: You made the mistake of marrying a woman who was NOT good to spend a lifetime with, so essentially, you were supposed to "spend your whole life in jail, but you were set free after serving only an 8 year sentence". Anyone who really is serving life in jail, would be UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY to know that they can have their freedom back!!

THAT IS YOU!!! YOU ARE THE FREED PRISONER!!!

Could you imagine how GODDAMN AWFUL your life would have been if you had kids with THIS woman, and now were stuck being a part of a broken home???

You need to change your attitude completely, COMPLETELY!!! You can't just FORCE a family and kids to appear out of thin air!!! That's like trying to win the championship without having any talented players!!

What you need FIRST, is to date AS MANY women as humanly possible, after a few hundred or a few thousand, you WILL meet one that will strike you as special. You need to then have LOVE with this woman, a deep almost-unconditional love, for a long long time!! Once you have this woman (and you will, everyone does eventually), you now have a good core to think about getting married, and having your family and kids.

Stop being desperate about having a family/kids, because it will only lead you to meeting more useless women in your life.

Woman first, family later - that is how your mind show be working.

Family, then woman - that is like you casting a play and looking for someone to fill a role.......in life, getting people to fill roles will only end in disaster.

Latest email from the girl who I think it playing games......

Hi guys............So I did not contact her all week..............Thursday she sent me a text telling me what a crazy week she is having.....................and a little small talk. Friday night heard nothing from her, she has her kid this weekend so it's pretty understandable and not out of the ordinary.

I finally called her yesterday to see how she was doing, she told me that she can't see me Saturday night but probably today and that she would call me. So I just now get this email from her...........


"I'm sorry, it's not going to work for today, I was at the gym until 2h00 with Marie while Sebastien was taking care of the kids. I though I could do something after but after this bad week, I think Nico is exhausted because he cries for nothing today and he his in a bad mood (can't wait he gets out of it...). The week was pretty tough on me too I feel like I need a bit of time for myself.

Hope you are well."

Mel

What should I write back, is all really lost here or is this just the reality of dating a girl with a kid? Funny that she prefers time to herself over time with me, I would have never blown her off this many times in a row...........sure there were times I wanted to be by myself but I found a way to make us spend time together.

What if anything should I write back ? Thanks.