in no way am i attempting to bring negativity here. i am here because as for those of you who have been following my story know - i experienced a crisis about a month ago and have ever since found myself reaching out to this board seeking assistance.

as my last several threads have painted, i have been experiencing waves of total and utter disallusion, and previously there were anxiety attacks that got me so worked up that i could not follow through with my normal daily routine.

the vomiting in the morning around the time i brush my teeth has subsided to only once a week. thats the kind of progress that really helps get me through the day these days. well anyways, starting about an hour ago i had a wave of reality and normalcy. people who were very close to me who know every intricate detail of what happened etc expained to me that no way is this just me being all worked up and being a *****. when i was sad during one of our last convos my ex joked at me and said she didnt know if i was gay or straight. yea she took it real hard ball on me folks. i dont believe i have explained, even through all my threads, that right now i am paying about 1900 for rent not including utilities.. you see we were going to split the rent 2/3 and 1/3.

from just these few details, not to put any enphasis on the cheating and leaving so she can have sex with her ex, or anything..

so the reality has sunk in from what has happened and as the days pass what has helped me the most - and sometimes led to these waves of normalcy - is hearing from people with accurate judgement, who are somewhat educated at least, are honest, caring, etc - that the average person going through what i did would really drive people off their chains.

regardless of any definitive nature about the other person being hpd or bpd or cnt, there were patters of behavior that were sharply elusive, manipulative almost to the point of drawing one in, at times abusive, and consistent with many synopsises of the aforementioned diagnoseses. hahaha

there is still a complex going on in my mind where i battle internally about how in the fvck did this just happen that i am living in a fvcking nightmare! it makes perfect sense that one would ponder this question alone so intensely after such an experience. and the answers to that question are:

1) this happened moreso because your ex has SERIOUS 'issues' (she says most recently that i am the one with 'issues'. she acts now as if everything is so golly happy in the fvcking world. as if i was the cause for her life being a pathetic joke for the last 6 months when she couldnt find a job etc when she was talking about slitting her wrists at one point.

OR

2. that i have serious 'issues' like she says. as if i am the one who is overeacting to a perfectly normal breakup and to 'fvck off'.. you see when i start to think that i am the one with issues and when somenoe who i have been so close with in a LTR where we did all sorts of $hit like travel together all over the place, almost live together etc etc - it makes me feel screwy inside. especially since i didnt lie, cheat, shout, or anything else that would normally piss the other person off to the point where they would talk to me like that and say those things.

so i don't know. i am going to just keep holding on here. i had a couple tic tacs today for food and about 3 hot chocolates.

setting goals as some of you have stressed so much on some of your wonderful posts, is important. mine right now are as follows:

1. energy - EAT SOMETHING QUICK AND JUST CONTINUE EATING PERIODICALLY
2. money - fix the car tire immediately, get car back on road so you dont have to continue bumming rides to and from work and being stuck at home fuming,
3. money - holy $hit you have a 1900 monthly rent payment that your brother that you love more than the world cosigned that started a day before the breakup! crunch some numbers!
4. money - have you paid your cable/internet bill?!
5. work - how are you getting to work tomorrow morning?
6. exercise - got to keep the blood flowing if i want to be able to put back on the 20 i lost in the last 45 days.
7. girls - after putting some weight back on and shaving and dressing normal - YOU NEED TO FIND SOME GIRLS IMMEDIATELY
8. nightmares - what the fvck kind of constructive action can i take to immediately stop the terrible nightmares

there is my summary and status update.

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aka Captain Save-a-ho

You can try deep breathing exercises and meditation to calm down your mind and emotions.
It takes discipline, and commitment, but it works.

You seem to still want to figure this out, but right now you need to get yourself straight, until you do, you won't really be able to figure it out.
I think you're making the matter worse by trying so hard to analyze it.
Im not saying to overlook it and sweep it under the rug, but when you're unable to function well, with poor self management, then you are sacrificing yourself for an 'idea',and losing your opportunity for optimal health and well being.


I also recommend into looking into EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques).

Have you read the Book of Pook?

I suggest Way of the Superior Man by David Deida.

And for DVD's, I suggest On Being A Man, and Deep Inner Game by David Deangelo.
And look up Dr. Paul Dobransky's Mature Masculine Power, and Mind OS.

And I highly recommend Eckhart Tolle's Power of Now.


Try to get yourself back in shape, and not use up your energy on anxiety and worry.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel, you just may not see it.
But you will eventually see it.

Don't wallow in misery and don't wallow in self pity.

Understand that these are your conditions and circumstances, and it's ok that they're not beneficial and favorable to you....because you recognize it and want to change it.
It's ok to ask for help.
But you need to focus on forward momentum, not a downward spiral.

And that means goals, and that means direction...self direction.
And letting go of any blame, and resentment, revenge, etc...
Let go of all that is toxic in your life, even some of your own personal beliefs.

Replace your old habits with new ones.
And be thankful that you have these moments to take action for positive change.

Yes I see that this is going to be an ongoing process that takes time.

One thing about me that is very different than a lot of people is that when I am intimate with a woman there are emotions that go along with that over time. My ex can call me names and be cruel, but I don't give a fvck. I know I have heart and no cvnt is going to fvck my mind mind up to the point where I assimilate so far into a broken society (relationship-wise) that I will feel the need to sleep around with random woman, many one night stands and just toss them all to the curb and not care. This is just not me and there is nothing that is going to change that.

If I am fvcking a girl over a period of time more than a year and we are monogomous than I will naturally have feelings and emotions for her.

I ate pizza and wings tonight. I'm glad I am reaching some of the goals on my list.

Next up are nightmares and work.

I need to think happy thoughts before I fall asleep so I won;t have terrible nightmares like I have been. I have a ride set up for the morning to get to work so that is covered too. Hopefully I will get a good rest so I can shave in the morning and not look like a cancer patient.


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aka Captain Save-a-ho