I know what I am about to write here makes me a prick. In my defense, I was young and stupid but I know it is still inexcusable and I feel really really bad about it.

Quite some years ago when I was in college I pulled this chic (I will call her "Pam") who I just wanted to screw so bad. She was in one of my courses and she just turned me on so much with her sexy mannerism and body. So I approached her and got her number and eventually called her.

It was a gradual process before I finally "got in there." She was a really quiet girl but carried herself well. Anyway, during our first phone conversation years ago she told me how this guy tried to talk to her but she refused to date him because he had a child already. The problem is I had a child as well since the age of 18!

So I went quiet when she told me that she turned that guy down, I thought for a moment. I told myself that I didn't need to tell her about my kid since all I would do is get my groove on under the sheets and just hit it and quit it. Well, ironically, through the process of trying to get her in bed, we actually became close. We eventually messed around. I always told myself "Spanky, if she ever asks you if you have a kid just tell her and if she ask why you never said anything you could just say 'you never asked' ". Eventually I started to feel really bad about hiding my child, whom I loved very much, from her. So I asked my uncle what would be the best time to tell her. My uncle told me that since I wasn't upfront with her in the beginning, there would never be a good time to tell her. I agreed and rationalized that no matter when I told her, it would be horrible for her so I stuck with my plan to not tell her until she specifically asked.

After I graduated from college and moved to another state, we lost touch.


Since then I have been engaged but gave up my ex fiance' a few years ago which was a bad mistake and another story. Anyway, every since then I have been hoping to run into another woman who was even close to the magnitude of the woman that my fiance' was. I eventually grew tired of the dating game and running into chic after chic that just disappointed me in the eventually. I resolved to the fact that I would probably never settle down since I just couldn't find anyone that I thought was worth having in the long run. That was until Pam found me again several months ago.


Pam & I immediately hit it off like old buddies. I was in a relationship when she first found me but I was not satisfied with it. Plus, I was messing around with a chic I was dating before I had got involved with my then current GF. Pam & I started off platonic and we would just talk over the phone but I was falling for her all over again and she even tried to set me up with one of her coworkers but I declined. We eventually met up and the fireworks started sparking. It was as if the 12 years had never past. I almost immediately broke up with my GF and stopped seeing my other ex...all within the same week of meeting up with Pam. We became friends and sex partners but things have grown deep over the last two months since meeting up & I strongly believe she is "the one." She has a young child but has been split from the child's father for about a year and a half now.


She told me that she is in love with me and would follow me wherever I go. I might move from my city soon and she said wants to go with me. There is only one problem... she still does not know that I have a child. She finally said to me last week "Spanky, out of all the girls you dated and were intimate with, you never got even one pregnant?" I eventually answered the question with a "yes." I told her I couldn't talk about it in detail at the moment because it wasn't easy for me to do at that moment.


I know she thinks that I got someone pregnant and assumes that the chic must have aborted the child. The truth is that my son is just as big as I am and I am very proud of him. He is the most admirable kid I know but I regret that I have not included Pam in that part of my life. I don't know how to tell her now. She is what I have been looking for. All the bars, clubs, parties, dating coworkers, cold approaches and she is the one I have been looking for the whole time. How do I make up for the mistake I started as a horny college student without pushing her away? I know I screwed up.

Dicey situation. But you are leaving some crucial details:

How old are you right now? How old is Pam? how old is your kid? is the kid living with you or his mother? What is the child support situation like? do you have a decent paying job that you can still hold your head above water?

I always told myself "Spanky, if she ever asks you if you have a kid just tell her and if she ask why you never said anything you could just say 'you never asked' ".

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I like the way you think.

And I don't think this is a big of a deal as you believe. You can tell her that you didn't mention your son before because you were concerned she might think it was weird, AND you're (clearly) not really raising your son, so you didn't think it was all that vital.

This isn't like a romantic comedy where a woman says, "you started dating me 12 years ago just for the sex? I hate you!!" Once you get a new relationship going (and it sounds like you have), your lusts and your mild evasions aren't as creepy as they would be coming from a stranger.

Dear Spanky,
look chose your moment after a nice meal or after you have done something that she really appreciates......say"Honey look it's 'fessing time.something that is on my conscience is really getting me down you know how much I love you,and not wanting to lose you I have never told you....."She will understand believe me,if she doesn't then perhaps you should move on anyway,you lived before you met her...

Since she, herself, is a single parent now, it may not be that big a deal that you have a kid and never told her 12 years ago. That's just my opinion.

Tell her that she said she'd never date a guy with a kid, so you didn't tell her you had a kid.

Now that she has a kid, she has to face her own stupid stipulations that she held in the past. Because now you could say the same thing to HER! (IF you left out your own kid).

Point is, you were just a youngun when you first met her, you were scared she'd think less of you (because of what SHE SAID), so you clammed up. You are sorry. End story.

Spanky, I could be wrong but from my perspective your post is littered with red flags that suggest you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you bring somebody else into the mix. Everybody makes mistakes. But you are perpetuating and even repeating mistakes in a similar vein: you are (still) afraid of presenting yourself as you are to her for fear of her reaction/rejection.

Have you taken the time to read some of the posts on this forum by Rollo, Victory Unlimited, Latinoman, KontrollerX, Interceptor, Joekerr31 and others?

iqqi said:

Now that she has a kid, she has to face her own stupid stipulations that she held in the past. Because now you could say the same thing to HER! (IF you left out your own kid).

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Why is this a stupid stipulation? ESPECIALLY for a college aged girl?!

Children are just non-stop drama. At my age i would not date a woman with a kid. Maybe when i'm older and her kid is like 16+ and isn't a thorn in the side of our interactions.

I could have a kid of my own and still say i wouldn't date a girl with a kid and not be a hypocrite. That's my decision. Women would be free to make their own indepedent decision about me, and i wouldn't hold it against them. In fact I would question what's wrong with them that they would want a guy with a kid when there are lots of guys without kids. Women tend to not care so much about a guy having kids though, which just reeks of bad decision making to me... well at least women in their 20s who still have a fair chance at a great child-free guy... oh and I guess the fact that women aren't the ones trapped legally into taking care of children not their own.

A girl i was dating was really confused why i was so against it. She's seen a couple of guys with kids. Her rationale was just "i just really liked/loved him so it didn't matter." For me, emotions alone don't make my decisions... and i don't care about equality when it comes to determining the course of my life. I could have 3 kids and she could have 1 and she's still done because that one extra brat around would decrease the quality of my life. So sad.

Quoted for Common Sense:

DJCT said:

Spanky, I could be wrong but from my perspective your post is littered with red flags that suggest you have a lot of work to do on yourself before you bring somebody else into the mix. Everybody makes mistakes. But you are perpetuating and even repeating mistakes in a similar vein: you are (still) afraid of presenting yourself as you are to her for fear of her reaction/rejection.

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Other than that, just this:

If this woman has issues with something you concealed 12, TWELVE(!) years ago, then she shouldn't be an issue to you. Read that as: in that case she isn't The One for you, as you put it.

If she's a healthy personality, she would understand why you didn't tell. Let alone that she would not hold it against you. If she doesn't understand, drop her like a burning coal. Harshly put, but true. Why would you want to put up with someone who doesn't take you as you are?

The fact that you concealed something to get into her pants is not a crime. Not even a petty one. Especially after twelve years, it should be something to have a good laugh or two about. Only a freak would feel used after that time. After all, it takes two people for sex, doesn't it? It isn't as if you used her for sex and she wanted more. You liked eachother, you had sex, got a little close. Then you lost touch. Big deal. Life's revolutions, that's what is is. Entirely based on your information, of course.

Having said that, I will emphasize again that you must consult with yourself and realize that being afraid of this matter is indicative of something inside you that you should work on. Again, what DJCT said.

Other than that, I'd just tell her in a conversation when the time feels right. You'll know when that is. Just don't make it sound like something you're guilty of (the not telling).

At some point just let it come up that "I have a son, he's that age, this and that". You can explain why you didn't, but don't EVER apologize for not telling. You had a valid reason. However, don't ever tell her that in that fashion. I think it's alright to tell her that you liked her a lot, but were afraid she'd dump you like nothing if you told her about your kid. Look at what you two would have missed. She can deal with her own behaviour that way.

You have nothing to apologize for. You wanted her, but she would have dumped you if she'd had known you had a kid. That made you decide that you would just go for sex. In other words: you played it safe in order not to get hurt. A smart thing to do.

It isn't wrong that you didn't tell. Stay true to yourself.

I disagree. He did lie to her and has been for YEARS. he is in the wrong. I would be concerned if she DIDN'T have a problem with that as it tells you she doesn't have much self respect. don't apologize for being a man. but be man enough to apologize when you are in fact in the wrong and be man enough to accept the consequences of your actions.

DJCT said:

I disagree. He did lie to her and has been for YEARS. he is in the wrong. I would be concerned if she DIDN'T have a problem with that as it tells you she doesn't have much self respect. don't apologize for being a man. but be man enough to apologize when you are in fact in the wrong and be man enough to accept the consequences of your actions.

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You are of course entitled to disagree. In clarification of my viewpoint, I'd like to say this:

Were they married? Was there a relationship? No. No. There were no strings. No responsibilities. No accountability other than his own respect.

Second, it wasn't a lie. He hid the truth. Nothing wrong with that. At all. Was there a need to reveal it? No.

Maybe it was wrong in hindsight, agreed. Yes, he can admit that. He can say he wishes he'd done it otherwise. That he can apologize for, that he wasn't upfront, or wasn't upfront sooner. That was the mistake.

No apology for this action is necessary as if it was inherently wrong to hide the truth. That's just distorted if you believe that, in my opinion. But that's my opinion. Spanky must form his own, naturally.

Rereading the OP's first post I tend to agree a little bit more with you ATG but maybe not 100% yet. I'm on the fence. True, she never asked him outright. I can think of other examples that make the issue not as clear though.

To me the bigger issue is all the AFC flags we see in the first post. Including his believing that this makes him scum of the earth

DJCT said:

Rereading the OP's first post I tend to agree a little bit more with you ATG but maybe not 100% yet. I'm on the fence. True, she never asked him outright. I can think of other examples that make the issue not as clear though.

To me the bigger issue is all the AFC flags we see in the first post. Including his believing that this makes him scum of the earth

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Thanks for all of the replies. I am not sure why this was moved from the mature man forum seeing that I am very well into my 30s but...

First things first, I used to visit this site a bit a few years ago. Didn't dig the cult aspect with everything being AFC (returned because there was no one I could turn to in real life since the idea of "family" is very strong in my family and I dare not tell anyone I hid my child from someone). The whole AFC term should be eliminated. If you're a guy with a conscious, you are AFC. If you open a door for a woman, you are AFC. If you let a conversation with a woman go on longer than 15 minutes, you are AFC. If you got a conscious, you are AFC.

AFC or not, as long as I can call a female up and get her company, sex, her respect, etc,. I will be an AFC, BFC, CFC, DFC and so on. I will even put it this way: I am AFC and damn proud of it!!


Appreciate all the replies because you all put precious time into replying but especially liked one particular post.. No assumptions, wanted further clarification.


Okay, now that that is out of the way, I feel bad for not telling her about my son for three reasons:

1. My 16 year-old kid deserves better. I should have been too proud of to ever keep quiet about my child but I didn't discuss my kid for a piece of ass.


2. This chic had become a great friend of mine. There was a point where I was engaged to someonelse and she was going through a bad marriage and we were not even intimate with each other. Strictly platonicWe just talked like old friends and I felt bad about not even then telling her about my kid then. You just don't do a friend like this.

3. She has been very upfront with me.

Tell her you have a confession to make. Act real guilty and make her think it's going to be really bad like you have AIDS or have been cheating. Finally when she's so worried she forces you to confess, she'll be relieved it's 'only' a child you never told her about.

mrRuckus said:

Why is this a stupid stipulation? ESPECIALLY for a college aged girl?!.

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It was a stupid stipulation because she had a great relationship with a man





























WITH A KID!!!!


The kid had NO IMPACT on their relationship, only the idea of a kid, had an impact on her choices.

It's like the guy who says he will never date a chick from a broken family. Then he meets a chick, falls in love with her, finds out two years down the road that she lied about her parents being divorced. Guess what?! WHAT did it really matter?

The OP's SPECIFIC situation illustrates just how silly her stipulation was.

When you have such a broad filter, you let a lot of good things pass through. I could see if he had full custody. But she never even knew about the kid, because the kid wasn't as big a deal as you make it out to be. A kid is not the end all of a person's existence.

Nighthawk said:

Tell her you have a confession to make. Act real guilty and make her think it's going to be really bad like you have AIDS or have been cheating. Finally when she's so worried she forces you to confess, she'll be relieved it's 'only' a child you never told her about.

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LOl. I always wanted to use this tactic!

The kid had NO IMPACT on their relationship, only the idea of a kid, had an impact on her choices.

It's like the guy who says he will never date a chick from a broken family. Then he meets a chick, falls in love with her, finds out two years down the road that she lied about her parents being divorced. Guess what?! WHAT did it really matter?

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Trying my best to be unbiased here, I would agree with you iqqi. I am ten times the man her ex was and I hate to sound arrogant but I am damn good catch! My profession puts me in the top 5% of society and I know how to make a woman feel great and it's genuine.

I don't think she would walk away too easy now that I have re-analyzed things. You just don't run into a guy of my caliber every day. Yeah, I kept something from her but to throw all this away would be crazy but I I do not want to hurt her. She is a good person.

I dont think it is a problem especially that now she has a child too. If she refuses to date you because you have a child and while she has a child of her own that its probobly a good thing that shes refusing to date you.

Update:

I finally came out and told her. She surprisingly took it very well and was very understanding. She understood why I kept it from her and said she was not mad at all and that she has learned a lot herself and used to be self-conscious about others wanting to get involved with her since she had a child. She said she could not be mad about something that happened before she even knew me, anyway.


It feels great to finally have that off of my chest after so many years. I thank you guys for helping me to work up the ballz to finally just come out with it. It seems you guys had the right idea.