BadsnakeUK
04-27-2008, 06:57 PM
[Sorry - had to split this in two because of the word limit]
Hi all. This is my first post on this forum so I’ll try and make it worthwhile, or at least moderately readable and constructive. I have been posting intermittently on other forums but was recommended this one by a friend and like what I see here. If I may take a few moments to introduce myself and give some background to this post, my career in the ‘community’ has lasted around a year so far, since reading The Game like so many other people. While not a natural I was probably a semi-natural for most of my life until coming out of a relationship badly messed up from the experience and utterly hopeless with women. After stumbling on the ‘community’ I bumbled around a number of ‘methods’ and ‘techniques’, some of which worked in some way and others which didn’t.
I began to realise that what sets a true player apart from someone getting lucky mimicking some cheesy lines is what has been described as Inner Game. There are many ways to describe this, and much like using canned lines there are some psychological ‘fake it till you make it’ tricks that can help you come across more confidently, but what is this elusive quality?
It has been described as thinking of yourself as the man, as a king, as a guy who’s got fifteen supermodels waiting at home in his harem waiting to be banged senseless, but what is it for those who have it without having to consciously think of such things? I have struggled with this because while trying to imagine myself in these situations there was still an incongruence between this and the reality of my life, a phenomenon leading to an unpleasant feeling known in psychology circles as cognitive dissonance .
So what have I learned? It is called in so many pickup circles being a man. Not the man, a man. There’s a lot written about how a man acts, what he says and thinks, but I believe that at the core of all this is an old-fashioned value, an out of fashion value, a value undermined in a superficial culture such as ours and by the post-feminist rhetoric dominating our media. It is a value called integrity.
I believe it is integrity that is at the root of all the old-school male values sorely lacking in so many men today; the stiff upper lip, doing your duty, standing up for yourself and your woman, taking risks to get what you want. But also those values such as honesty and decency, of treating people and oneself with respect and having clear boundaries. It may sound like an anachronism but when women say they want a man to be a man, this is often what she wants.
So, at the risk of using up my quota of rhetorical questions so early, what do I mean by integrity? Ultimately, the closest description is probably something described in popular psychology as being true to yourself. This phrase is used rather flippantly these days, often to describe and justify people acting on their more base instincts, but I use it here with the assumption that people reading this have some concept of right and wrong, and are honest enough with themselves to judge their own behaviour accordingly. Also, that they have some sort of higher ideal in life that they wish to aspire to. Another description, based on this, would be being the best person you can be. If that means undertaking some hardship for a more worthwhile goal in the long run, then being willing to do this.
When applying this to pickup, the concept of integrity must encompass far more than this one area of your life. In fact in many ways by living with integrity seduction becomes more a natural result than a goal. It may become a far less important goal in life too as some of the demons that have driven us to prove ourselves through doing this are exposed and dealt with (I’m not suggesting that we only chase women to prove something, but it is the case for some people, usually those following the particularly chauvinistic methods). It may also be useful to make sure we are not considering living with integrity as just another trick to play on ourselves, as another means to an end. It must be something that comes as we mature and grow as individuals, that comes from the heart when we are sick of cheating and sabotaging ourselves. This is why it needs to, and can only exist when, it is integral to and underpins our whole outlook on life.
So what can we expect of ourselves when living with integrity? It is a unique experience based on the organic development of all of us as individuals but basically it means we are no longer frightened of ourselves, our deepest selves, and our knowledge of the kind of person we should really be. Many people have written about the way men are conditioned to be afraid of their desires for women and imprison themselves in this fear or worse, the ‘nice guy’ persona. But what about our careers, for example? It means that we no longer put off what we want to achieve because we are happy to settle, to take the safe option. Our interests? We go and try something new if we wish to, but will also sit at home on the sofa if that is what we want to do without punishing ourselves for it. Our values? Ah, here we come to a difficult one.
The problem here is whether or not we can separate our values from our desires. Often they are the same, but sometimes we will have to make choices between the two. I am sure that we will all have had the experience of making the wrong choice, and regretting it afterwards. Yes we can justify breaking our moral code to ourselves, we can rationalise anything eventually, but if we are honest we have all experienced the hollowness of a victory attained by means that lower us to achieve it. I am not claiming to be a saint; this is a war that we all face everyday and we will still lose some of the battles, probably until our dying days. What separates the man from the rest of the pack is facing up to each battle and not forever choosing the path of least resistance. Also being honest to ourselves when we lose one of these inner battles and, more importantly, learning from it.
By doing this we will have fewer regrets. We will naturally exude confidence not through learning how to speak louder or hold a certain posture, but because we are genuinely happier with ourselves. We will naturally smile more. We will have less to prove; we will not embarrass ourselves by overcompensating for our perceived deficiencies; we will be smoother of speech because our minds are not cluttered by fears and conflicting thought. We will act as we truly are, without deceit. We will become sure of our status in the world and feel less need to compete over trivial matters. We will naturally occupy the space around us, but still have respect for others and their space and needs. We will be willing to truly listen to others. We will have boundaries that we will not tolerate people crossing but will not feel the need to punish others unduly or force these values on them. In short, we will stand head and shoulders above people without this value of integrity. Sound good? Sound familiar? Something like ‘being the man’, being the AMOG etc? Excellent!
But we’re not here for self-help and mirror gazing affirmations, are we? We’re here for some of the good stuff found above a woman’s knees and below her waist. So now we get to the heart of it. What does integrity mean for a DJ/PUA/general badass ladies’ man? How does it smooth our path to the land of milky honeys? Well for a start by living like this we will achieve more in life generally. So for the guys who think it’s about the cars and money, this should help. We also start to respect ourselves enough to want to keep ourselves fit and healthy, and to look our best. If we don’t we will at least be comfortable with those choices and not spend our time b*tching and whining while making no effort to change things. We have made our bed and we lie in it. This comfort in our own skin is something a lot of women feel incredibly attracted to of itself.
We keep our boundaries and don’t supplicate or get used, but we don’t have to be a misogynist or constantly play power games to achieve this. If someone violates our boundaries they have no place in our lives but we do not hold on to the bitterness or resentment usually involved.
It’s curious but the b-shield phenomenon also raises its ugly head less often. By being comfortable with ourselves we demonstrate naturally that others can be comfortable with us. We have nothing to prove so they feel less need to prove things to us. It takes away all of the power games, suspicion and misunderstandings that characterise so much of the interactions between men and women. We are also comfortable enough to discuss our lives and ambitions so will rarely run out of things to say or need to rely on canned material
Hi all. This is my first post on this forum so I’ll try and make it worthwhile, or at least moderately readable and constructive. I have been posting intermittently on other forums but was recommended this one by a friend and like what I see here. If I may take a few moments to introduce myself and give some background to this post, my career in the ‘community’ has lasted around a year so far, since reading The Game like so many other people. While not a natural I was probably a semi-natural for most of my life until coming out of a relationship badly messed up from the experience and utterly hopeless with women. After stumbling on the ‘community’ I bumbled around a number of ‘methods’ and ‘techniques’, some of which worked in some way and others which didn’t.
I began to realise that what sets a true player apart from someone getting lucky mimicking some cheesy lines is what has been described as Inner Game. There are many ways to describe this, and much like using canned lines there are some psychological ‘fake it till you make it’ tricks that can help you come across more confidently, but what is this elusive quality?
It has been described as thinking of yourself as the man, as a king, as a guy who’s got fifteen supermodels waiting at home in his harem waiting to be banged senseless, but what is it for those who have it without having to consciously think of such things? I have struggled with this because while trying to imagine myself in these situations there was still an incongruence between this and the reality of my life, a phenomenon leading to an unpleasant feeling known in psychology circles as cognitive dissonance .
So what have I learned? It is called in so many pickup circles being a man. Not the man, a man. There’s a lot written about how a man acts, what he says and thinks, but I believe that at the core of all this is an old-fashioned value, an out of fashion value, a value undermined in a superficial culture such as ours and by the post-feminist rhetoric dominating our media. It is a value called integrity.
I believe it is integrity that is at the root of all the old-school male values sorely lacking in so many men today; the stiff upper lip, doing your duty, standing up for yourself and your woman, taking risks to get what you want. But also those values such as honesty and decency, of treating people and oneself with respect and having clear boundaries. It may sound like an anachronism but when women say they want a man to be a man, this is often what she wants.
So, at the risk of using up my quota of rhetorical questions so early, what do I mean by integrity? Ultimately, the closest description is probably something described in popular psychology as being true to yourself. This phrase is used rather flippantly these days, often to describe and justify people acting on their more base instincts, but I use it here with the assumption that people reading this have some concept of right and wrong, and are honest enough with themselves to judge their own behaviour accordingly. Also, that they have some sort of higher ideal in life that they wish to aspire to. Another description, based on this, would be being the best person you can be. If that means undertaking some hardship for a more worthwhile goal in the long run, then being willing to do this.
When applying this to pickup, the concept of integrity must encompass far more than this one area of your life. In fact in many ways by living with integrity seduction becomes more a natural result than a goal. It may become a far less important goal in life too as some of the demons that have driven us to prove ourselves through doing this are exposed and dealt with (I’m not suggesting that we only chase women to prove something, but it is the case for some people, usually those following the particularly chauvinistic methods). It may also be useful to make sure we are not considering living with integrity as just another trick to play on ourselves, as another means to an end. It must be something that comes as we mature and grow as individuals, that comes from the heart when we are sick of cheating and sabotaging ourselves. This is why it needs to, and can only exist when, it is integral to and underpins our whole outlook on life.
So what can we expect of ourselves when living with integrity? It is a unique experience based on the organic development of all of us as individuals but basically it means we are no longer frightened of ourselves, our deepest selves, and our knowledge of the kind of person we should really be. Many people have written about the way men are conditioned to be afraid of their desires for women and imprison themselves in this fear or worse, the ‘nice guy’ persona. But what about our careers, for example? It means that we no longer put off what we want to achieve because we are happy to settle, to take the safe option. Our interests? We go and try something new if we wish to, but will also sit at home on the sofa if that is what we want to do without punishing ourselves for it. Our values? Ah, here we come to a difficult one.
The problem here is whether or not we can separate our values from our desires. Often they are the same, but sometimes we will have to make choices between the two. I am sure that we will all have had the experience of making the wrong choice, and regretting it afterwards. Yes we can justify breaking our moral code to ourselves, we can rationalise anything eventually, but if we are honest we have all experienced the hollowness of a victory attained by means that lower us to achieve it. I am not claiming to be a saint; this is a war that we all face everyday and we will still lose some of the battles, probably until our dying days. What separates the man from the rest of the pack is facing up to each battle and not forever choosing the path of least resistance. Also being honest to ourselves when we lose one of these inner battles and, more importantly, learning from it.
By doing this we will have fewer regrets. We will naturally exude confidence not through learning how to speak louder or hold a certain posture, but because we are genuinely happier with ourselves. We will naturally smile more. We will have less to prove; we will not embarrass ourselves by overcompensating for our perceived deficiencies; we will be smoother of speech because our minds are not cluttered by fears and conflicting thought. We will act as we truly are, without deceit. We will become sure of our status in the world and feel less need to compete over trivial matters. We will naturally occupy the space around us, but still have respect for others and their space and needs. We will be willing to truly listen to others. We will have boundaries that we will not tolerate people crossing but will not feel the need to punish others unduly or force these values on them. In short, we will stand head and shoulders above people without this value of integrity. Sound good? Sound familiar? Something like ‘being the man’, being the AMOG etc? Excellent!
But we’re not here for self-help and mirror gazing affirmations, are we? We’re here for some of the good stuff found above a woman’s knees and below her waist. So now we get to the heart of it. What does integrity mean for a DJ/PUA/general badass ladies’ man? How does it smooth our path to the land of milky honeys? Well for a start by living like this we will achieve more in life generally. So for the guys who think it’s about the cars and money, this should help. We also start to respect ourselves enough to want to keep ourselves fit and healthy, and to look our best. If we don’t we will at least be comfortable with those choices and not spend our time b*tching and whining while making no effort to change things. We have made our bed and we lie in it. This comfort in our own skin is something a lot of women feel incredibly attracted to of itself.
We keep our boundaries and don’t supplicate or get used, but we don’t have to be a misogynist or constantly play power games to achieve this. If someone violates our boundaries they have no place in our lives but we do not hold on to the bitterness or resentment usually involved.
It’s curious but the b-shield phenomenon also raises its ugly head less often. By being comfortable with ourselves we demonstrate naturally that others can be comfortable with us. We have nothing to prove so they feel less need to prove things to us. It takes away all of the power games, suspicion and misunderstandings that characterise so much of the interactions between men and women. We are also comfortable enough to discuss our lives and ambitions so will rarely run out of things to say or need to rely on canned material