I cheated : now I feel like s**t

logicallefty · Feb 11, 2008

I cheated on my GF this weekend.. I am 33 years old.. Was with my ex-wife for 12 years and had many exclusive GFs before and after the ex-wife. I have NEVER cheated on a significant other until now.. I really feel like a piece of slime.. How do I get past this?

joekerr31 · Feb 11, 2008

joekerr31 looks at the live grenade on the ground. thinks about jumping on it. decides instead to run the other way.

GRENADE - TAKE COVER!

mzilla2 · Feb 11, 2008

Lets examine WHY you feel badly about it... Discuss why you did it.

steve38 · Feb 11, 2008

Jeez..i was looking forward to some joekerr31 words of wisdom...what a pisser. To the OP, it just means you didn't care about her as much as you thought you did. It's a good thing to find this out now, really.

joekerr31 · Feb 11, 2008

steve38 said:
Jeez..i was looking forward to some joekerr31 words of wisdom...what a pisser. To the OP, it just means you didn't care about her as much as you thought you did. It's a good thing to find this out now, really.

the reason i have no words of wisdom is that this topic always comes back to morals - which just ends up being a arguement between two extremes.

additionally, the ops post, to me, basically just says 'i took a hammer and smashed my toe. it hurts. what do i do?"

ummmm. don't smash your toe with a hammer. LEARN YOUR F*CKING LESSON.

but what the op is really searching for is some way to not feel guilty over this. he feels bad and wants to feel better. and rest assured, some posters will chime in with 'hey, women do it all the time. don't feel bad about it.' and then others will be 'do unto others as youd have them do unto' (im off this camp). and then the two will fight for 17 pages.

if he wants advice on whether he should tell her he cheated, he needs to ask that, then ill give a specific response.

eyedogg · Feb 11, 2008

Logicallefty,

If you are seeking advice - do as Mzilla said, and provide more depth on this sitation.

steve38 · Feb 11, 2008

Thanks joekerr31 for the comeback....I guess he is just trying to make it Ok with himself at this point. Dude, how did you get so smart on women? I have been paying for women in Mexico for the past 10 years. Now I'm trying to learn about AW again and it's not coming easy. Maybe I should go back to Mexico.

drmeathead · Feb 11, 2008

dude dont tell her...ever. if you feel bad tough ****. it wasnt like you slipped and she fell. you made several choices along the way to do so. if you were a big enough boy to do that then you are big enough to deal with feeling guilty. telling her will not make you feel better in the long run. best advice NC with the girl u ****ed. stay away from where ever it was u ****ed her. disassociating from the situation will help dissapate the chemical rxns going on in ur brain...thus the feelings will go away soon enough

MacAvoy · Feb 11, 2008

joekerr31 said:
additionally, the ops post, to me, basically just says 'i took a hammer and smashed my toe. it hurts. what do i do?"

ummmm. don't smash your toe with a hammer. LEARN YOUR F*CKING LESSON.

Personally I was going to give the smash your toe again advice, that way in the future, you don't feel the pain, you get use to it.

However in all seriousness, whatever you do, don't tell her. If you truly feel that guilty, the only thing telling her will do is break her trust, and that is a trust that all the King's horses & king's men can put back together again. Sure in rare circumstances in can, but 98% of the time, its a no go.

So if your feeling that guilty, then simply break up and move on.

However, the MacAvoy advice must come out and say, there is nothing wrong with cheating, we are animals, spread the seed.

joekerr31 · Feb 11, 2008

most people say don't tell because it will only cause them pain. and that is true.

but on the flip side of the coin, if you don't tell them then you are forcing them to live a life they otherwise might not have chosen.

im personally a believer that the truth will set you free. it may not save the relationship though - but maybe it shouldn't be saved.

point being is that if you come clean at least she can make the choice that is best for her - even if that means leaving you.

but most people don't have the balls to own up to their mistakes and face the consequences (of showing their true colors, of hurting someone else, etc. )

i'll tell you this, the truth often hurts a lot in the short term, but heals in the long term. whereas keeping a lie often heals the short term, but causes suffering in the long term.

drmeathead · Feb 11, 2008

joekerr brings up a good point. i will make one amendment. if you do tell her, do it at the breakup talk. tell her and the truth will set you free but dont even try to stay with her. she wont let it go. never, not 100 percent. even if you are lucky enough that she isnt bringing it up periodically (ie when her hormones get the best of her every 28 days) you still will have to account for every second u are late every time. not worth it. if the relationship was/is worth it you wouldnt have cheated, period.

STR8UP · Feb 11, 2008

joekerr31 said:
but what the op is really searching for is some way to not feel guilty over this.

I have never cheated on anyone, and if I did I would probably be in the same boat, but to answer the question of how to feel "better", all you have to do is what women have been doing for eons....RATIONALIZE.

Only problem is, you are a MAN, and men have a much harder time deluding themselves over stuff like this.

Francisco d'Anconia · Feb 11, 2008

logicallefty said:
...How do I get past this?

You don't.

Phyzzle · Feb 11, 2008

Don't tell her. Don't relieve YOUR pain by passing it off on to her.

joekerr31 said:
most people say don't tell because it will only cause them pain. and that is true.

but on the flip side of the coin, if you don't tell them then you are forcing them to live a life they otherwise might not have chosen.

If she is better off without you, break it off. You can even say outright that you want to see other people pronto, but there is no need to let her know what was going down before the break up.

azanon · Feb 11, 2008

logicallefty said:
I cheated on my GF this weekend.. I am 33 years old.. Was with my ex-wife for 12 years and had many exclusive GFs before and after the ex-wife. I have NEVER cheated on a significant other until now.. I really feel like a piece of slime.. How do I get past this?

I really don't want to belittle your guilt, because I do believe for you it's very real but, if you ask me, the only kind of cheating even worth posting about in a mature forum would be on a wife or husband.

Please, please forgive me if this sounds insensitive, but i'm trying to help: Big Deal!

You are a Saint to the 9th degree if that's the worst you've done or will do.

.......

How do you get past it? Realize you're human, and you proved that when you cheated, forget about it and never tell her. Since it wasn't pleasurable for you overall, I recommend that you not do it again.

joekerr31 · Feb 11, 2008

so if your gf f*cked some other guy behidn your back you wouldn't want to know that information?

azanon · Feb 11, 2008

joekerr31 said:
so if your gf f*cked some other guy behidn your back you wouldn't want to know that information?

I know you weren't asking me, but I'm going to jump in.

Perception is at least half of reality, but really its probably more than that. So, to apply that to this situation, if her perception is that he's "trustworthy" to the extent that she believes he's never cheated, then that is actually true for her until she discovers or believes otherwise.

I really don't recommend too much devotion to "ultimate truths" or the furtherance of them. This will just lead to a frustrating, and disappointing life. Very few others are playing by these rules anyway, so why should you? Self-limiting yourself is illogical to the core.

Last Man Standing · Feb 11, 2008

Was your girl a virgin? Your wife?

If not, then you didn't cheat - because no vows were taken - you were just pimping her, and now you pimped another girl! Pimp the hos - don't love them!!!

Mr.Positive · Feb 11, 2008

azanon said:
Perception is at least half of reality, but really its probably more than that. So, to apply that to this situation, if her perception is that he's "trustworthy" to the extent that she believes he's never cheated, then that is actually true for her until she discovers or believes otherwise.

How about taking responsibility for our actions? Instead of spouting out perceptions/reality BS.

Let me ask, do you steal from work too? If the company perceives I'm a trustworthy employee, they won't miss the millions I steal.

azanon · Feb 11, 2008

Mr.Positive said:
How about taking responsibility for our actions? Instead of spouting out perceptions/reality BS.

This statement makes an assumption; that what he did was inherently, morally wrong. I do not agree with that assumption. I think I've indirectly touched on why, but see LMS's explanation above as to more reasons why it would not be morally wrong.

My explanation on perception/reality is not BS, IMO. I have written a more lengthy blog on that very subject at my myspace.

Let me ask, do you steal from work too? If the company perceives I'm a trustworthy employee, they won't miss the millions I steal.

This is commonly referred to as a Straw Man argument. If you're not familiar with it, google it. Once you come to recognize it, you'll understand why I'm not even going to entertain answering it.

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I cheated : now I feel like s**t

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