Impatient DJ or AFC?

Juando · Feb 7, 2008

I've got this plate whom I've been escalating for the last month.

Late 20's, Asian (relevant for extra ASD), goofy yet "shy"/conservative.

Cognitive dissonance when it comes to her behavior vs. her actions:
She swore I would never fukk her, never see her tats, etc.

The problem is she still does the good girl dance while VERY SLOWLY moving in the direction I want her to. Anyone looking at us from the outside would swear she was my gf, we play "house" in ways, like she'll run around my place wearing my pj's, she cooks sometimes, etc.

Last week I LJBFd her; I told her, out of exasperation, fukk it, LJBF. Oh, and I would be willing to fukk you, just for the fun of it. I didn't care what happened at that point. To my surprise, she dropped her usual goofiness and got real serious, asked a couple of questions about what that would be like.

In any case, no puzzy.

I decided to take a break. I've got a coupla other plates, and having spent a good part of the last few wknds with her, I figured nothing to lose by pulling away from her.

Here's the trigger for this post:
She called three times tonight, first to chat about a practical issue, then left glowing messages about her appreciation of me....maybe we could get together this wknd.

WTF. My gut tells me I will definitely get in her pants, but WHEN???

I think I should get a medal (AFC award?) for my incredible patience and I have done a decent job of escalating in the face of the Asian ASD (I have some experience in that area, crazy stuff), but I just don't know if I can ask my patience to hang in there a bit longer.

Should I go for it one more time this wknd? A new plate, very doable, has also made herself available this wknd....

I don't want this to drag on forever, but I also know I've pulled the plug abruptly in the past with difficult women, maybe too abruptly....

thirdtimescharm · Feb 7, 2008

The real question would be not when, but how much do you want her? More or less than the new plate?

Personally, unless you feel a real attraction to difficult women, then pull the plug and move on. Or maybe you just like the challenge? For me, life's too short...if it isn't fun, NEXT.

iqqi · Feb 7, 2008

Um, why is some chick you aren't banging allowed to run around in your PJ's?

Dude, you sound like STR8UP...

Juando · Feb 7, 2008

iqqi said:
Um, why is some chick you aren't banging allowed to run around in your PJ's?

Valid question; I've never been in a relationship like this one and it's not like any other I have. The situation including extraordinary comfort/intimacy/no sex snuck up on me, partly because she is a lot fun and entertaining.

But I eventually got to the point of requiring the real deal including banging her.
If I see her this weekend I will F close her or revert to LJBF.

Dude, you sound like STR8UP...

A compliment.

I know you did not mean it as a compliment, but I take it as one.

I don't know if this is true for STR8UP- but for me since parting with my ex my goal with women is to re-educate myself on what is possible, get laid, have fun. I've achieved much of that, more progress to be made, and surprise to me, I've really learned a lot about myself as a bonus.

The real question would be not when, but how much do you want her? More or less than the new plate

I'm going for both.

edger · Feb 8, 2008

Juando said:
Here's the trigger for this post:
She called three times tonight, first to chat about a practical issue, then left glowing messages about her appreciation of me....maybe we could get together this wknd.

"Oh no", she said to herself, "Juando stopped giving me attention, oucchh, my ego...let me try to re-gain that attention again".

Juando said:
WTF. My gut tells me I will definitely get in her pants, but WHEN???

Most probably, you won't. If you by some miracle though, you do, let me know.

You shouldn't have told her you wanna screw her. As anyone would tell you here, communicate that to her covertly.

Juando · Feb 8, 2008

edger said:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Juando
Here's the trigger for this post:
She called three times tonight, first to chat about a practical issue, then left glowing messages about her appreciation of me....maybe we could get together this wknd.

"Oh no", she said to herself, "Juando stopped giving me attention, oucchh, my ego...let me try to re-gain that attention again".

Quote:
Originally Posted by Juando
WTF. My gut tells me I will definitely get in her pants, but WHEN???

Most probably, you won't. If you by some miracle though, you do, let me know.

You shouldn't have told her you wanna screw her. As anyone would tell you here, communicate that to her covertly.

LOL, edger- I can't argue vehemently with anything you're saying.

However, I did make a decision to LJBF her and after that I figured telling her i wanted to fukk her (FWB style) was a no-brainer, nothing to lose at that point.

Apparently LJBFing her did not eliminate my all my lust for her, as you noted, because I quickly picked up the scent as soon as she put some more honey out on the windowsill.

It remains to be seen whether I'm totally delusional about this stuff. I'd like to think that no matter how it turns out it's all part of my learning process.

Oy.

jophil28 · Feb 8, 2008

Juando said:
However, I did make a decision to LJBF her and after that I figured telling her i wanted to fukk her (FWB style) was a no-brainer, nothing to lose at that point.

Juando...you lost a lot by saying that you wanted to f**k her. YOu lost your credibility. How? It goes like this -

By definition a "friendship " excludes sex and romamntic intimacy and the pursuit thereof.
A friendship is a vertical arrangement.
What you said to her about fukking her essentially sent her a message, and that message is this ,"What Juano says is not what Juando really means."

Further more,you need to understand this - what she wanted from you, she was getting from you - attention and an ego boost by knowing how much you wanted to fukk her. That explained the PJ parade - that was just a preeck tease.
She got her needs met but you did not get what you wanted from her. SO she essentially had the upper hand.
Then you tried to level the field by LJBF her but you kinda blew it by telling her that you still wanted to fukk her. however you did disrurb her equilibrium somewhat .
She is attempting to hoover you back to regain what she perceives to be possible "lost ground" and to mitigate whatever feelings of rejection that she is experiencing.
If you want to fukk her, you need to push her further away,. Ignore her for a week or so, Give her NO validation or ego strokes. Eventually she will do you as a last gasp attempt to bring you back under her control ( yep, control is what she had.)...or she will move on.

She sounds like too steep of a hill to climg for my liking.

Señor Fingers · Feb 8, 2008

jophil28 is on point

You are already giving her all the attention and validation she needs without sex, so what incentive does she really have to put out? Younger girls dont tend to fukk for pleasure's sake.. they are not really comfortable with their bodies and sexuality yet.

You are giving too much without getting. She is using you.

Juando · Feb 8, 2008

You guys are good.

Thanks for keeping me on track. We'll see- I may have blown this one, but I don't feel too bad about it if it serves the purpose of whittling away a good chunk of AFC off my bones.

Jo, my plan was to distance myself from her and I will move on that; part of my AFC to be honest is that I sometimes lose my bearings when in the proximity of fragrant puzzy. How does one stay sober while navigating these waters? Practice, falling down and picking oneself up, booster shots from this forum- all that?

The concept of witholding attention, of making HER work for it, when it comes to women, seems so SIMPLE and yet it has been one of the most difficult for me to assimilate in this transition. AFC does not die easily!

Señor Fingers said:
You are giving too much without getting. She is using you.

Ouch.

I needed that too.

Younger girls dont tend to fukk for pleasure's sake.. they are not really comfortable with their bodies and sexuality yet.

You think that's still the case with a 27 year old?

I've got a second date tomorrow with a new plate, where the playing field is much more level so I can practice dj anew.

Practice, practice....

Señor Fingers · Feb 8, 2008

It takes an unusually mature woman to accept her sexuality. For this reason I have always dated older chicks.. they are much more fun in bed.

27 is a little old for her to be playing these kiddie games though. Could be a cultural thing.. I have noticed that asian chicks tend to be very reserved overall.

Either way it sounds like you are better off letting this one breathe a bit.

Juando · Feb 8, 2008

Señor Fingers and you all here:

once again, a note of appreciation, for your wisdom, support, and generosity.

Wading through these waters of life can be harrowing at times, but the payoff is terrific when making forward movement.

In this particular situation, I've already noticed a shift: I feel lighter, like it's gonna be ok whatever happens and that the world is a great place.

MacAvoy · Feb 8, 2008

I agree with Jophil and the fact that you need to step back even further and make her miss you more, you've spent every weekend with her, stepped back this week, and now your contemplating spending this weekend with you again, so much for stepping back.

At this point though I see 2 options, option 1 proceed as per Jophil et al, step back for at least a week, maybe 2.

Option 2, find out now if its going anywhere or end it completely. You said she wanted to get together this weekend, come right out and ask her if she's goin to fvck, if she says no, they say ok goodbye and completely cut contact. Girls like men and are also attracted to forwardness. It may not work out but at least your not wasting anymore time.

You find out where you stand and can move on.

eyedogg · Feb 8, 2008

Good luck Juando!

jophil28 · Feb 8, 2008

eyedogg said:
Good luck Juando!

Juando, if you are planning to "step back " you need to follow through. How many of us have made a vow to "time out" a troublesome woman and then got hoovered right back in when the fragrant pvssy approached. BIg mistake !

I talked about " credibilty" in another post. BY that I meant speaking and acting congruently so that she sees you as clear and firm in your statements. She may not LIKE it but she will respect you from then on.
You also need to establish credibility with YOURSELF so that you never get that sinking self loathing that comes bubbling up when/if you do not stick to what you say that you are going to do.

Never use "distancing" to try to scare a woman. The point of "time out" is for her to contemplate her blunders and to feel the disconnect that her actions have created.

guru1000 · Feb 8, 2008

Juando said:
I've got this plate whom I've been escalating for the last month.

Cognitive dissonance when it comes to her behavior vs. her actions:
She swore I would never fukk her, never see her tats, etc.

Click to expand...

One month of escalation with no high IL indications. That's 30 days too many. She has cost you TIME, your most precious asset.

The problem is she still does the good girl dance while VERY SLOWLY moving in the direction I want her to. Anyone looking at us from the outside would swear she was my gf, we play "house" in ways, like she'll run around my place wearing my pj's, she cooks sometimes, etc.

Click to expand...

She loves VALIDATION.

Last week I LJBFd her; I told her, out of exasperation, fukk it, LJBF. Oh, and I would be willing to fukk you, just for the fun of it. I didn't care what happened at that point. To my surprise, she dropped her usual goofiness and got real serious, asked a couple of questions about what that would be like.

In any case, no puzzy.

Click to expand...

She questioned her VALIDATION.

Here's the trigger for this post:
She called three times tonight, first to chat about a practical issue, then left glowing messages about her appreciation of me....maybe we could get together this wknd.

Click to expand...

"VALIDATION MAN, where are you?"

WTF. My gut tells me I will definitely get in her pants, but WHEN???

Click to expand...

What have her actions shown?

I think I should get a medal (AFC award?) for my incredible patience and I have done a decent job of escalating in the face of the Asian ASD (I have some experience in that area, crazy stuff), but I just don't know if I can ask my patience to hang in there a bit longer.

Should I go for it one more time this wknd? A new plate, very doable, has also made herself available this wknd....

I don't want this to drag on forever, but I also know I've pulled the plug abruptly in the past with difficult women, maybe too abruptly....

Click to expand...

When a girl has high interest, she will make it KNOWN.

Low IL spinning is too much of a time consuming exercise to ANALYZE and PURSUE. Time is better spent on one who can reciprocate your time and energy.

At the end of the day, whether your goal is to find an army of plates or an LTR, CHOOSE high IL.

Last Man Standing · Feb 9, 2008

If she is not a virgin then she is playing with your head! At 27, running around in your pajamas and telling you that you will not get in her pants, tells me that she is not innocent!! How long has this dance been going on?

OK 30 days - long time by today's standards!

Juando · Feb 9, 2008

Ok, here's a question:

You guys, your perspective and feedback is GOLD.

Not baiting you but I want to perhaps know if I have something to look forward to in terms of dj evolution- your take on my situation is solid, crystal clear and appropriate. But have you guys gotten to the point where your dj skills, including powers of perception and ability to ACT while in the middle of challenging situation where mere mortals like me crumble in the face of a puzzy-induced trance, can you see through it and fluidly rise above the traps of
libido, fear, lust, confusion, etc. and safely navigate your way to a place of safety, above the "rapids" that I sometimes find myself in.

I'm serious- I know I'm getting better all-around with this stuff but can it really be mastered to the point where you can pretty much assume that you can handle just about any of these situations?

jophil28 · Feb 9, 2008

Juando said:
Ok, here's a question:

I'm serious- I know I'm getting better all-around with this stuff but can it really be mastered to the point where you can pretty much assume that you can handle just about any of these situations?

This is my take on this topic -
The whole exercise about self awarenees, self-improvement and 'other' awreness.
It is a slow process .We aim for progress slow and incremental.

Last Man Standing · Feb 9, 2008

Enough of the mumbo jumbo Clooney, errrr, Juando! What is a woman doing in your pajamas and telling you that you can't get in her pants business?? Is she a virgin? No? Then why are you treating her as such!!! The seal has been broken and thus her mind is broken!!!

Juando · Feb 9, 2008

Last Man Standing said:
Is she a virgin? No? Then why are you treating her as such!!! The seal has been broken and thus her mind is broken!!!

Amen.

“The 22 Psychological Triggers That Make Women Chase You… Starting Tonight”

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