Abe Froman
New Member
- Joined
- Jan 23, 2008
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Howdy folks. I’m new to the forum, and at the suggestion of Allen Thompson, I am going to ask for a little input regarding a certain situation. Let me give a little background to start with. There is a particular woman I have known from work for about the past four years, I’ll call her Amy. She didn’t work in the same office I do, but her firm works closely with mine, and business usually had me dealing with her roughly once or twice per week, not just in her office mind, but dealing with her directly. From the first I was attracted to her, as she is a beautiful woman. Once I got to know her a little better, I found she is also smart, funny, charming, and interesting company. She and I proved to get on very well together. Problem was she was married.
Well, that put her out of bounds. I simply tried to be as charming as I could be, without ever making a pass at her, and without acting like one of her friends. But she did get very friendly with me, and she’d send me e-mails and call me on the phone, and I would reply to these, naturally. This went on for about three years.
Last year she left that office, and I didn’t see her anymore, of course, but about once a month or so she’d send me an e-mail, and I’d reply. But I hadn’t seen her or talked to her on the telephone in a bit over six months. Now, I still have business at the office where she used to work, and I have learned that she and her husband split, and it was apparently a bitter and acrimonious parting, involving infidelity on his part (and truth be told, from what I’ve heard, the marriage would have ended anyway even if it hadn’t been for that; the infidelity just sped things up a bit). When she left, she also got a new phone number, and she gave it to me, so I did call her and heard a little bit from her about what happened. She’s temporarily moved in with her sister, who lives just slightly over an hour’s drive from where I live., and has also taken a job in that town.
Now I have always been attracted to this girl. Very attracted. I’ve continued to date other women though, and still do so (just got a phone number from one yesterday, as a matter of fact), but I really am attracted to this particular one, and I know I’ll regret it if I don’t try to get together with her. If it doesn’t work, the fact that she’s no longer in the same city or the same job will make it easy to break off contact with her and move on. But it’s a complicated situation. She’d literally just walked out on a six year marriage, and there is the whole rebound issue to deal with once the initial trauma has worn off.
Now I’ve gotten advice from three people I’ve asked about this, two of them professional love doctors who post articles on this site. The first bit of advice, which came from someone completely outside, was worse than useless: “Tell her how you fell and let her know you’re interested in being more than friends.” You’ve got to be kidding me! It hasn’t been three weeks since she walked out of a six year-old marriage in a very ugly break up; she’s no doubt in a great deal of emotional turmoil, and here I come saying “hey Amy, you know, I’ve really been interested in you for a long time, but I couldn’t say anything because you were married. I’d like to be more than just friends if you’re ready for that.” Yeah, that’ll work!
She’d run like Speedy Gonzalez.
The second bit of advice comes from one of the love gurus. His response was basically “Stop trying to plan this out. All this is just an excuse for you being a coward. This whole rebound thing is a myth anyway. You really have about zero chance, because you long ago got classified as just a friend, and there’s not a hope in hell really that you can change that. But if you’re going to go for it anyway, then stop being her friend, what she needs is a man in her life, so pick up the phone the instant you finish this e-mail and ask her for a date.”
Now excuse me, I may not be the love expert here, but as I said, it wasn’t even three weeks ago that she walked out of the house she shared with her husband of six years, and the breakup was an ugly one. I really don’t think it’s cowardice, but common sense that tells me she is simply NOT ready to begin dating yet. I really don’t think this advice was very helpful.
The third bit of advice, also from a love guru whose articles can be found her, advised almost the exact opposite. He said, basically, “you probably haven’t got much chance (and I’ll agree the odds are certainly against me), but you need to disappear until her divorce is final. She’s not available until then. Then when her papers are in her hand, she’ll call you up and you can ask her for a date.” Well I see certain problems with this too. I live in a state where you have to be legally separated for a year before any divorce can be finalized. She probably won’t get around to filing for at least another month, and maybe longer. That means well over a year before this condition applies. During this time, she will be living in a nearby city, one not really very far away, but not just next door either, so I won’t see her at all, and may hear from her less and less often over the course of that year, until eventually, I’m not hearing from her at all. What’s more, just because the divorce isn’t going to be final for a year or so, doesn’t mean for an instant that she won’t, in her own mind, consider herself single six or eight months from now, when she's over the worst of the trauma and tired of being without male company, and start dating other guys. And remember, this is a smart, charming, funny, and beautiful woman. It is simply inconceivable that guys are not going to start noticing her, and asking her out during the coming year. Hell, it’s even possible her sister or some of her other friends will take a hand at fixing her up with someone. I really don’t think it’s going to matter to most of these guys that she’s only separated and not divorced. That might scare a few off, but I suspect most will still be happy to take her out. After all, if it gets serious, by the time it does, by then the divorce will be final. So I’m not sure I can wait more than a year, and count on her to contact me when she’s ready. It seems more likely that if I did that, by the time I called her and asked her out, she’d say “Aww... I’m flattered, but I’m seeing somebody.”
So this is my dilemma. Although I’ve every intention of continuing to pursue other girls, and although I know what a great long shot this is, I want to try and get together with this girl, and I’d like some suggestions about when the right time to make the opening move is, and about what to do to change her perception of me as merely a friend into me as potential boyfriend material. Let me know what you guys think.
Well, that put her out of bounds. I simply tried to be as charming as I could be, without ever making a pass at her, and without acting like one of her friends. But she did get very friendly with me, and she’d send me e-mails and call me on the phone, and I would reply to these, naturally. This went on for about three years.
Last year she left that office, and I didn’t see her anymore, of course, but about once a month or so she’d send me an e-mail, and I’d reply. But I hadn’t seen her or talked to her on the telephone in a bit over six months. Now, I still have business at the office where she used to work, and I have learned that she and her husband split, and it was apparently a bitter and acrimonious parting, involving infidelity on his part (and truth be told, from what I’ve heard, the marriage would have ended anyway even if it hadn’t been for that; the infidelity just sped things up a bit). When she left, she also got a new phone number, and she gave it to me, so I did call her and heard a little bit from her about what happened. She’s temporarily moved in with her sister, who lives just slightly over an hour’s drive from where I live., and has also taken a job in that town.
Now I have always been attracted to this girl. Very attracted. I’ve continued to date other women though, and still do so (just got a phone number from one yesterday, as a matter of fact), but I really am attracted to this particular one, and I know I’ll regret it if I don’t try to get together with her. If it doesn’t work, the fact that she’s no longer in the same city or the same job will make it easy to break off contact with her and move on. But it’s a complicated situation. She’d literally just walked out on a six year marriage, and there is the whole rebound issue to deal with once the initial trauma has worn off.
Now I’ve gotten advice from three people I’ve asked about this, two of them professional love doctors who post articles on this site. The first bit of advice, which came from someone completely outside, was worse than useless: “Tell her how you fell and let her know you’re interested in being more than friends.” You’ve got to be kidding me! It hasn’t been three weeks since she walked out of a six year-old marriage in a very ugly break up; she’s no doubt in a great deal of emotional turmoil, and here I come saying “hey Amy, you know, I’ve really been interested in you for a long time, but I couldn’t say anything because you were married. I’d like to be more than just friends if you’re ready for that.” Yeah, that’ll work!
She’d run like Speedy Gonzalez.The second bit of advice comes from one of the love gurus. His response was basically “Stop trying to plan this out. All this is just an excuse for you being a coward. This whole rebound thing is a myth anyway. You really have about zero chance, because you long ago got classified as just a friend, and there’s not a hope in hell really that you can change that. But if you’re going to go for it anyway, then stop being her friend, what she needs is a man in her life, so pick up the phone the instant you finish this e-mail and ask her for a date.”
Now excuse me, I may not be the love expert here, but as I said, it wasn’t even three weeks ago that she walked out of the house she shared with her husband of six years, and the breakup was an ugly one. I really don’t think it’s cowardice, but common sense that tells me she is simply NOT ready to begin dating yet. I really don’t think this advice was very helpful.
The third bit of advice, also from a love guru whose articles can be found her, advised almost the exact opposite. He said, basically, “you probably haven’t got much chance (and I’ll agree the odds are certainly against me), but you need to disappear until her divorce is final. She’s not available until then. Then when her papers are in her hand, she’ll call you up and you can ask her for a date.” Well I see certain problems with this too. I live in a state where you have to be legally separated for a year before any divorce can be finalized. She probably won’t get around to filing for at least another month, and maybe longer. That means well over a year before this condition applies. During this time, she will be living in a nearby city, one not really very far away, but not just next door either, so I won’t see her at all, and may hear from her less and less often over the course of that year, until eventually, I’m not hearing from her at all. What’s more, just because the divorce isn’t going to be final for a year or so, doesn’t mean for an instant that she won’t, in her own mind, consider herself single six or eight months from now, when she's over the worst of the trauma and tired of being without male company, and start dating other guys. And remember, this is a smart, charming, funny, and beautiful woman. It is simply inconceivable that guys are not going to start noticing her, and asking her out during the coming year. Hell, it’s even possible her sister or some of her other friends will take a hand at fixing her up with someone. I really don’t think it’s going to matter to most of these guys that she’s only separated and not divorced. That might scare a few off, but I suspect most will still be happy to take her out. After all, if it gets serious, by the time it does, by then the divorce will be final. So I’m not sure I can wait more than a year, and count on her to contact me when she’s ready. It seems more likely that if I did that, by the time I called her and asked her out, she’d say “Aww... I’m flattered, but I’m seeing somebody.”
So this is my dilemma. Although I’ve every intention of continuing to pursue other girls, and although I know what a great long shot this is, I want to try and get together with this girl, and I’d like some suggestions about when the right time to make the opening move is, and about what to do to change her perception of me as merely a friend into me as potential boyfriend material. Let me know what you guys think.