Here's the skinny on a particular situation that I would appreciate feedback on,
and admittedly, it's part of my larger AFC issues that I want to do a separate thread on;

anyway-
beautiful Asian who has been around me quite a while but with no windows of opportunity to act since both of us were in LTRs.

Now we're both free agents and I was really hot to pursue her and did but quickly found out that her grieving process for her ex got in my way.

I tried to be patient while escalating via hanging out, kino, affection but no making out or solid foothold in the romance realm.

After a few frustrating aborted attempts at making moves I decided to NEXT,
not her, but my hope for lighting a fire with her.

Makin' the 'Ho say NO dept:
a couple of days ago, after a hot groping session she again brought up the issue of being uncomfortable being touched past her "threshold of comfort".
OK, sez I, this qualifies as a clear NO and it's time to move on.

So she calls me because, it turns out, she wants to talk about whether she hurt my feelings. We could not really talk about it because tonight there was a party in her honor regarding a project she completed.

I happily went to the party, just for the fun of it and to maybe find a new plate (I did- we'll see) and because I figured it would be no problem reciprocataing the LJBF motif from my side.

Here's where I need some perspective: I am perfectly happy to proceed with my plan to withdraw and withold my actions based on hope.
But:
1.she really did make a point of calling a bunch of times to track me down to check on my feelings.

2. at the party, with about 25 people present, I was content to go sit at the back of the room on a piano bench while we all listened to her music CD.
She walks back to me and sits on the bench butt to butt for half an hour.
These 25 people, most of them people she's close to (her ex it turns out was there too), so she could have sat anywhere with anyone but she chose to walk away from the pack and sit on a piano bench with me, wtf.

Part of me feels like I've been here before and better not waver: better to pull away.

The other part of me says, is this truly a window of opportunity despite what she says and better seek DJ wisdom before I blow an opportunity.

So, continue the LJBF route or reconsider another frontal assault taking advantage of a new "opportunity"?

Thanks!

Just to clarify, my decision to NEXT her in the past was something I wavered on, hence I've been looking for a FINAL NEXT; ironically here were are again,
another decision to NEXt, another waver. HELP,,,

You guys are reading my post, so it can't be totally boring.

But, no thoughts?
Do you need more info?

Actually, I'm not stressing out about it. I was pretty stimulated after the party and wondering how to proceed, etc. but now I'm thinking to not put too much thought into it- lay back, don't escalate my interest in this woman, keep the contact friendly and just observe how she acts when I pull back.

Honestly, that is the most difficult thing for me to do- be patient and resist the temptation to charge in there and "make it happen", so this will be a really good test for me, and perhaps a real learning experience.

Wish me luck.

See, I did all the work for you.

You're welcome.

i had given advice, but im going to change it.

i re-read your post and given that you have known this lady for a long time and she isn't showing you any physical attention i think nexting is probably best. it sounds like she might be a bit of an attention wh*re (ie. setting you up to be her emotional tampon).

if this was a new relationship then going slowly would be totally understandable at her and your age.

but given you are already familiar with each other, one would expect that if she had been harboring feelings for you she would jump at the chance to pounce your bones.

it also sounds like you two run in teh same social circles. so my advice would be to simply keep chasing other ladies. you've made it clear to this one what you want (ie. a little loving) and if she doesn't want the same thing then its best you dont waste each others time.

i will say though, women are strange in this realm. many a times if you stick around long enough they will give it up.

so heres the secret.... next her without telling her. basically LJBF her!

trust me, it will drive her nuts watching you pursue other women while treating her like a friend.

but if you can't pull of the LJBFs card with her, then better to just next her. otherwise the only option is to simply hang around like a sad puppy dog waiting for a treat that might never come.

Going through a similar situation myself lately. This one is telling me that "we can't have sex right now but that doesn't mean never" and that she "needs to make sure we are going in the same direction"

Went out for a couple of drinks last Thursday and we were really vibing. I footed the bill and she then offered to buy me Thai next Saturday night and then coffee the next morning

This will be technically our 3rd date, so maybe she's holding out for the magical #3?? Not getting too excited about the prospect though.

Anyway....it's been a progression so far in the bedroom, and she IS showing signs of decent interest (offering to take me to dinner, taking off work the next day, speaking in "future" tense when talking about us) so I'm sticking with it to see what happens. Probably best that you do the same.

joekerr31 said:

understandable at her and your age.

Click to expand...

She's 32. I've always liked women that age, even in my 20's.

joekerr31 said:

it also sounds like you two run in teh same social circles. so my advice would be to simply keep chasing other ladies.

trust me, it will drive her nuts watching you pursue other women while treating her like a friend.

Click to expand...

Cool: I introduced her to someone else I'm interested in, who happens to have the same ethnicity. They seemed to hit it off....

And, at the party, a very cute little thing was vibing me, right in front of her
bf. Said she'll call me....I asked my Miss if she knew her and she said,
She's my sister's bandmate...hmmm.


I really appreciate the advice and support from you two guys- you often make this site click (no disparagement to all the other great guys here). Worth the wait.

STR8UP- you sound SO set up with this lady, you just need to show up and be yourself....and collect the well-deserved dividends...good show.

I like the LJBF thing- funny thing, but there are some women, like this one, who are smart, funny, playful, great to be around as a, gulp, friend....but being a MAN, eventually I do WANT them. :rockon:

Juando said:

STR8UP- you sound SO set up with this lady, you just need to show up and be yourself....and collect the well-deserved dividends...good show.

Click to expand...

Well, this certainly remains to be seen. She's an odd one to read and her actions haven't yet ruled her out, but I'm the kind of guy who errs on the conservative side when dealing with women, so I will be quick to pull the trigger (or at least pull back and let her initiate if she has interest) if her behavior becomes too erratic. I hope there are "dividends" though.....I hate wasting time and effort on anything, especially women.

STR8UP said:

.....I hate wasting time and effort on anything, especially women.

Click to expand...

Ditto.

There are far more important things to do, for example.

Watching my washing spin in the washing machine, or watching paint dry.
( i dont like either, but i dislike being tossed scraps more )

This is not sarcasm, its the truth

STR8UP said:

Well, this certainly remains to be seen. She's an odd one to read and her actions haven't yet ruled her out, but I'm the kind of guy who errs on the conservative side when dealing with women, so I will be quick to pull the trigger (or at least pull back and let her initiate if she has interest) if her behavior becomes too erratic. I hope there are "dividends" though.....I hate wasting time and effort on anything, especially women.

Click to expand...

I was with another woman I'm interested in, this last wknd.

She's Asian, conservative, ASD- prone.

She initiated-asked me to massage a "sore spot" on her back.
After some grumbling on her part, she finally pulled up two or three layers of bulk so I could get to her flesh.

Then I needed to get to her butt.
I asked her to undo the button on her tight jeans.
NO.NO.NO.

Pause.

Sigh, pause.
OK, she says.

This massage was AWESOME. I went on forever.

Much bliss.
What is a MAN to do?
I kiss her, on the lips.
b*tch, b*tch, b*tch...why did you do that? she says with sour face...
I won't go on, but she did spend the night; I got some action but certainly not
the prize. Work in progress with that one.

I'm learning.
It's all a game.
We make moves, they react. Sometimes the reaction
is what we expect and want, sometimes it's the test, etc. etc.
The only thing we can do is be like good actors: relaxed, in the moment, on our game, and totally ready to retreat and forgive ourselves for "failing".

Last night I had a spontaneous cold-approach in the grocery, beautiful Brit
blonde, played along with me and then suddenly froze and told me, NO I'm not giving you my email.

Great practice for me: I timed myself to see how fast I could go from feeling slimed to congratulating myself and FEELING GOOD that I made the approach.

It's all good: you will succeed, even if you are tested, you will get something out of this.