I started thinking about LTR's since I'm in one and my gf lives with me.

In any event, she wants to get married pretty badly. I'm not ready yet, but am considering it.

In any event I mentioned this to my oldest brother who I go to advice for all the time. What he told me was a bit of a kick to the stomach.

He went so far as to say that I look for another gf, one that has her career established etc.

I was pretty bummed to hear that. I'm warming up to the idea of getting married. I don't want to rush it, for a number of reasons.

This particular brother is very financially minded. He has mentioned to me the need to get a girl with a good career a number of times.

In any event, the problem with my gf right now is she is waitressing. She has advanced degrees from another country, but they don't really apply here. So she is starting over and plans to get a nursing degree. Because of English issues, her first year here she has just studied English and is having trouble getting into a good program. It will be at minimum 2-3 years before she finishes this.

I help her with tuition which is another source of my brothers complaint.

I just hate to hear his negative take, because I really value his opinion alot.

you're not ready to get married. i know this because you are turning to other peopel to make your decisions. sure youll say you're just getting their advice. but given how strongly their advice weighs, as with your brother, its obvious you dont know what to do. and you should never get married unless you are absolutely sure that is what you want and are ready for.

getting married is like choosing your profession or buying a car - its great to have other people's input, but at the end of the day you have to go with whats in your heart. its YOUR life, you ultimately make the choices nad live with them.

all that said, really there's no good reason to ever get married. i suppose one could argue that when you are old and decrepid it will be nice to have someone around to keep you company. having kids and 'regular' sex could also be considered benefits. oh, always having someone to take a holiday with is good also. they also say you live longer if you are married (personally i don't buy in to that - i think that conclusion is drawn from confounding variables).

the down sides are endless though..

- having kids means every penny you make gets spent on other people instead of yourself.

- if you get divorced say bye bye to half your net worth AND say hello to endless support payments (not just for the kids, but for her too!)

- even if you are head over heels in love, trust me, after a few years of marriage it won't be the way it is today. being aroudn ANYONE every single day, week in week out, year after year will get on anyones nerves.

- being YOU is no longer good enough. now YOU are suddenly responsible for everyone elses security, happiness, etc.


anyway, as to your brothers advice. i agree, but also disagree. a woman who makes as much as you will definitely make a divorce much less painful in the future as a 50/50 split will leave you with almost as much as had you never married in the first place .

as for marrying a woman with less money than you.

if she's the one for you and is mature, honest, committed, understanding, etc. - and most importantly takes marriage very seriously as an institution before God (ie. when you make that promise for eternity you mean it) - then you can let hte money issues slide. personally i believe that you should NEVER EVER get married if you both parties don't believe in god and believe that the marriage is a joining of two peopel before God. theres just no reason (for the male) to marry under any other circumstances (and marrying a woman who doesn't believe int he marriage as a holy union means that the marriage bond doesn't mean jack sh*t to her beyond how she feels today, tomorrow or in 5 years from now)

some women truly do stand by their man for life. those women are keepers, whether they make a lot of money or not.

but you gotta be really really really careful today. soooo many women just want to get married so they can pop out a couple of kids. they aren't even thinking about what marriage really means - ie. spending a lifetime together.

once they get what they wanted, ie. kids, you better damn well hope they were truly in love with you and that they weren't simply infatuated and deluded themselves that it was love.

because when that happens, sh*t goes off the tracks fast and they will take you for everything they can. you become a big fat wallet. Daddy won't pay for their life anymore so now its YOUR turn.

so weigh everything carefully and make your own choice.

even with the best of women the choice to get married is a tough one and its never 100% guaranteed to work out. and women take risks also. there are TONS of women who get married to dead beats and end up single, with kids, and next to no money. marriage is just as risky for women as it is for men.

but if your a man who makes a decent salary, then it becomes a win win for the woman whether it works out or not.

An impartial observer's opinion:

- You live with a woman who is still in a formative phase of establishing her adult life, and will be for the next few years

- She really wants to get married; this implies there's unspoken pressure on you to do it

- You openly admit you aren't ready, but sound like you are trying to convince yourself against your better judgment and gut instinct

- The verbage you used indicates that you are letting emotions override common sense here

- Your brother - someone genuinely cares about you - is flat out telling you it's a bad move

- You are calling your brother's take negative only because it isn't what you want to hear.

In my opinion, the cognitive dissonance you're experiencing is because you want to believe that this is a good idea, when all signs point to it not being a good idea. There's some part of your inner mindset that longs to get married, and it's fighting the part of you that knows better.

Perhaps this would be a good time for you to step back for a moment, zoom out to 30,000 feet, and explore what it is in your inner belief structure that makes you feel compelled to pursue marriage, to the point that you're even considering making a half-hearted, ill-advised decision in a matter that will radically impact the rest of your life.

Ricky, what do you fear about not getting married?

Your brother is right, he's an alpha. You need to decide right now if you want to be a man or a wife in a marriage.

You already live together. Marriage is just a formality. Kids are what change your life. As long as you don't have a lot of assets to lose upon divorce, getting married is not that big of a deal.

What country is she from? Are her peers in her home country typically married by her age? Is she influenced by religion, not wanting to shack up and 'live in sin?'

Especially when you don't have much money, getting married is not really any different than just living together.

it sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into it. she is breaking you down. that's why you don't live with them. it clouds your thinking. this is the woman you were going to move in with and you still wanted to be a playah while you lived with her. And Now we see that instead of spinning plates you are spinning around the idea of marriage. At the time you were told that was an awful idea. And now it looks like she has succeeded in breaking you down into the man she wants you to be. this was all very predictable.

Well things are going well with her. She's beautiful, good in bed and cooks and clean which make her a rarety. She's not American and occasionally the accent starts to grate on me, but she is a sweetheart.

I admit like any guy I still occasionally want to fvck other girls. I don't do it, but I still like sarging and all that and under certain conditions I might have a no strings attached affair!

But out of any of the girls I've had a serious relationship with shes been the best marriage prospect.

My brother has issues with it mainly on the financial side. He wants me to marry a doctor, or something else. It is partly due to one of my brothers who has a wife that's lazy and never worked. They were married for 10 years before they had their first child and she worked probably less than a half year that whole time.

My gf works at a couple of places and is studying for school.

You guys are right, I'm not ready to get married yet, but I'm happy with the situation as it stands. To be honest I'm more interested in buying a house or condo soon. I want to take one big decision at a time. My gf definitely wants to get married. This is the third girl that wanted to marry me. She is definitely the best of them and the best of the double digits+ I've banged so thats why i consider it.

Why is your hurry, date her for 2-3 years, make sure she's the one.

How old are you - and she?

You are living together and sexing her so so you are already married without the papers - nothing special here - find a virgin - then she is special!!!

Men don't worry themselves with the employment of a woman unless he is money-hungry -- women worry about a man's employment because we are the ultimate providers!