What is a Father?

Rollo Tomassi · Mar 13, 2007

This is a copy/paste from a very good friend and former counseling of mine. This is from a guy who's basically turning his life around after having had his wife of 12 years cheat on him and got custody of all 3 of his kids. He misses them a lot now, and he'd written this for a college writing assignment now that he's made the change to better himself. I thought this was important because so many men (small "m" with emphasis) have never been taught what a Father should be and/or have emulated the role set for them by bad examples of masculinity while under constant derision and ridicule from an increasingly feminized western culture.

What is a Father?

The meaning of the word father, as defined by Webster’s II New Riverside Dictionary, is: “a male parent of a child” or “one who functions in a parental capacity.” Although some may argue to the contrary, a DNA match does not make you a father.

My definition of a father is a man who is the moral foundation for his children. He is the man that will teach and show his children humility and respect for themselves and others. He is the man his children will admire
and look up to above all other men. A father is the lighting rod for the problems and adversities his children face. He is the shoulder to cry on when his children scrape a knee or when their feelings are hurt. He is the voice of reason and wisdom his children seek out to tackle the three “R’s” of school and challenges between friends. A father is the scale his daughter’s will weigh their future husbands against. He is the statue his sons will endeavor to carve themselves into as they grow into manhood. A father is the mountain that his children lovingly climb, look up to with hope and admiration, and seek shelter in during a time of need. He is a man who places the needs of his children above his own. He is a man who loves his children unconditionally, no matter the circumstances. A father is a teacher, a mentor, a friend and constant companion throughout the lives of his children. He is the man that will help shape the future of the young ones under his care. Simply put, a father is a hero in the hearts and minds of his children whether they are of blood relation or not. I am a father. I am a hero.

Francisco d'Anconia · Mar 13, 2007

A father is a teacher, a mentor, a friend and constant companion throughout the lives of his children. He is the man that will help shape the future of the young ones under his care. Simply put, a father is a hero in the hearts and minds of his children whether they are of blood relation or not. I am a father. I am a hero.

This is excellent, even though I still question putting the needs of the children above your own just because contemporary views of what children need nowadays. None the less, it reminds me of how seldom (if at all) that children refer to either of their parents as role models. I wonder whether other parents ever ask themselves why children look toward various performers, entertainers and sport figures as role models when they depend on their 9 to 5 parents for support.

azanon · Mar 13, 2007

Francisco d'Anconia said:
This is excellent, even though I still question putting the needs of the children above your own just because contemporary views of what children need nowadays.

As a parent of one 3 year old, I think ideally you dont have to choose. Ok sure you have less disposable time as a parent compared to being childless, but I wouldnt say I have a need not being met anymore because i have a child. Hopefully, that never happens!

None the less, it reminds me of how seldom (if at all) that children refer to either of their parents as role models.

Though i'm pretty successful, i'm not sure even i'm "role model" worthy. I think i'd be tickled to death if my son ended up being far more successful that i am, so I think i'd be totally ok with him aiming much higher than me. I sure hope to teach him a thing or two along the way though.

Desdinova · Mar 13, 2007

I still question putting the needs of the children above your own

When it really take a look at it, you HAVE to put your own needs above those of your child. If you don't feed or protect yourself, you will die and won't be able to take care of the child.

Rollo Tomassi · Mar 13, 2007

Sometimes what a child needs is discipline to teach him/her something valuable and potentially life preserving. In such cases a Father's needs may be incongrouous with what the child needs and therefore demand a Father to put off his own in order to correct the child. Ergo, we have a generation of AFCs raised by AFC fathers who lacked the ability to sublimate themselves and control their own emotions (to both the extreme of permissiveness and authoritarianism) who are now raising a new generation of AFCs because neither preceeding it had it properly exemplified for them to model.

Francisco d'Anconia · Mar 13, 2007

Desdinova said:
When it really take a look at it, you HAVE to put your own needs above those of your child. If you don't feed or protect yourself, you will die and won't be able to take care of the child.

And in all actuality, you need to put your partner's needs above your child's too. You are supposed to be a united front and when there's turmoil between the two of you, the kids suffer. I feel that if more parents put more effort toward their relationship they would have a better chance of staying together and raising a healthy family.

Desdinova · Mar 13, 2007

Francisco d'Anconia said:
And in all actuality, you need to put your partner's needs above your child's too. You are supposed to be a united front and when there's turmoil between the two of you, the kids suffer. I feel that if more parents put more effort toward their relationship they would have a better chance of staying together and raising a healthy family.

That's an excellent point. Also, there are LOTS of couples who are only together for "the sake of the child". They fight, squabble, and try to gain the child's favor over the other parents. Most parents don't see how this does more harm than benefit to the child.

I think one of the major qualifiers for a long term partner, especially when it comes to marriage is how your partner would fare as a parent. Good parenting begins LONG before the child is concieved.

azanon · Mar 13, 2007

blueblue said:
I believe that most people coming to this site looking for answers in life experience this in their father.

Are you saying this site is attracting mostly wounded birds? I don't agree with that.

Rollo Tomassi · Mar 13, 2007

blueblue said:
Growing up I wished that I had someone who invested in me. My challenge now is to determine to whom I should invest in.

I completely understand.

That's why i thought this was profound; there was a time once when this message would've seemed matter of fact, a "well, duh" kind of statement that was only necessary for greetings cards. Tragically this has been lost on at least 3 generations as both sons and daughters have lost more and more positive masculine influence due to the exact reactions you've described; extreme apathy and submission or extreme frustration and violence. And why is this? Because no Father taught him his role as the master of his family.

Even greetings cards have joined in the chorus of ridiculing anything remotely masculine.

Any Man embracing his role as a Father is now held suspect or ridiculed himself for lack of vision from those of us whose father's were lesser men. We'd love to cling to this maverick sense of independence as if it were a proper substitute for lacking a positive mascuuline role model in our upringing, but I'd ask, would SoSuave even be necessary if more men and women had Fathers and Mothers who'd embraced and complimented each other's roles as both Fathers and Mothers?

Francisco d'Anconia · Mar 13, 2007

Desdinova said:
That's an excellent point. Also, there are LOTS of couples who are only together for "the sake of the child". They fight, squabble, and try to gain the child's favor over the other parents. Most parents don't see how this does more harm than benefit to the child....

Very true. Many people believe that you have to stay married in order to be a good parent. Logistically it's true but beyond that it's not a necessity if you aren't compatible with your partner. It just makes sense for couples to consistently work on their relationships in order to sustain a happy homelife.

I think one of the major qualifiers for a long term partner, especially when it comes to marriage is how your partner would fare as a parent. Good parenting begins LONG before the child is concieved.

Yep, but don't forget that determining whether a partner would be a good parent also includes whether your parenting views are aligned. Too many times couples aren't united on parenting methods and fight whenever discipline is needed by the children. When their unity is most needed they are fighting in front of the kids. Let's not forget that children are masters of pitting parents against one another in order to get their way (coniving, selfish little bastards :cuss

.

Vulpine · Mar 13, 2007

Yeah... What is a 'father'?

I sure as hell never had one.

In fact, the other night my Mother told me on the phone that my (honorary) Uncle told her that my 'father' was complaining to him how I never call him (my 'father').

WHAT!!!! I completely flipped my wig at my mother:

V: "Next time you hear some gossipy woman sh!t like that from (Uncle), you give him my phone number and tell him to take it up with me like a MAN. When he calls, I'll tell him to give my number to my 'father' so HE can take it up with me like a MAN! Are his goddamn fingers broken that he can't dial a fuxing phone!"

Talk about a lack of masculine role models! That is some whiney little bitj sh!t if I ever saw it! My mother is the only one with nuts enough to take up beefs with me?

What is this 'father' concept of which you speak? It's all so very foreign to me!

woods · Mar 13, 2007

Me too. Havent talked to my sperm donor since I was eighteen. Piece of shyt. I didnt have any brothers either, and there is s lot lacking in my life cuz of that.

mzilla2 · Mar 13, 2007

Very good topic.

While I don't have children, this is something I have been pondering, as I have been involved in many situations in my extended family as of late where a positive father, negative father and no father seem to have had lifetime effects on folks.

My view, a father is a leader, a nurturer, a mentor, instills confidence and discipline, and above all, a masculine role model.

I also think society has popularized the idea that parents must live for the children: always doing everything for the kids and prioritizing the kids needs/wants, to the point where kids are not required to develop on their own, and/or become unnecessarily needy / selfish as a result.

I think of my parents as very positive role models, and as such, I don't recall ever being the utmost priority in our daily activities, there was balance, and, more importantly, they incorporated us into THEIR lives rather than abandoning their needs and desires.

penkitten · Mar 13, 2007

rollo, im so glad that you posted this.
francisco and i were talking about this in another thread just the other day. many people are no longer fathers and mothers but have turned into just "baby daddies" and "baby mommas".
this just isnt cutting it, is it?

DJDamage · Mar 13, 2007

penkitten said:
. many people are no longer fathers and mothers but have turned into just "baby daddies" and "baby mommas".

Not only that but many of today's parents have some new age thinking where they want to be their child friend instead of their parent because they don't want to end up being like their parents. Its this kind of thinking that cause kids to do what ever the hell they want and then the parents all wonder why their teenage daughter is pregnant or why their son is doing coke, after all they did give them everything they wanted didn't they??!!!

Kids need structure and discipline and letting television babysit them just not going to cut it.

grinder · Mar 13, 2007

Um, between my four kids I have 55 years of parental experience. And damn strait I am their only parent.

Rollo!, did you go visit the matrix and rip this quote from one of the PhilDonahuest squishy, cuddly, sugary-sweet, brain-washing text books in there?

This is a highly idealized vision.

Sometimes being a father means being an a**hole, limit-setting, flame-throwing monster!

Jesus, Buddha, and Mohamed: anybody on here got teenagers? You’ll know what I mean.

Yeah, yeah, some of that cuddly stuff is true when they are young, but this quote horrifically portrays an unattainable goal for the long run.

Sometimes it truly is a dirty job and you make mistakes and you are, occasionally, a terrible example, and sometimes, you don’t want their dirty feet climbing all over you, and sometimes, you need to ignore their temper-tantrums and go out for a walk so you don’t hit them, and sometimes, you do actually question your love for them. But, you persevere beyond what seems your absolute mental breaking point, and you decide maybe tomorrow will be a better day, and you hang in there for them.

The REAL world is a little bit dirty, untidy, and impure. Not the "Leave it to ******" view in the quote.

ElChoclo · Mar 14, 2007

That was funny how the dam making aquatic animal got automatically deleted in the last post.

Grinder you have a point. I also agree with Francisco, that maybe children aren't created to be worshipped. Certainly, in nature, if there is a shortage of food, they die first, in the case of animals.

A father is probably not a hero. He is just some guy who tries to do what he can, while he can. If his wife walks away with his kids, unless she is a serial killer in most feminized Western cultures, she keeps the kids.

Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Milhouse says to Bart that whenever his mother wants to make his father sad, she uses a lawyer.

I have always said that the father is the Nyet man. As in Kruschev taking off his shoe and banging it on the table yelling "Nyet, Nyet!" He is the one who gets annoyed with the boyfriend who brings his daughter home late. He is the one who does the John Candy routine with the school teacher in Uncle Buck (the part where he tosses the woman teacher a coin and says she should take the money and go down town and get a rat to nibble off the mole on her lip.)

As a generalization, I suspect that fathers play more with their children than mothers, particularly boys. There is a playful side to men which is not present in most women.

ElChoclo · Mar 14, 2007

That was funny how the dam making aquatic animal got automatically deleted in the last post.

Grinder you have a point. I also agree with Francisco, that maybe children aren't created to be worshipped. Certainly, in nature, if there is a shortage of food, they die first, in the case of animals.

A father is probably not a hero. He is just some guy who tries to do what he can, while he can. If his wife walks away with his kids, unless she is a serial killer in most feminized Western cultures, she keeps the kids.

Reminds me of that Simpsons episode where Milhouse says to Bart that whenever his mother wants to make his father sad, she uses a lawyer.

I have always said that the father is the Nyet man. As in Kruschev taking off his shoe and banging it on the table yelling "Nyet, Nyet!" He is the one who gets annoyed with the boyfriend who brings his daughter home late. He is the one who does the John Candy routine with the school teacher in Uncle Buck (the part where he tosses the woman teacher a coin and says she should take the money and go down town and get a rat to nibble off the mole on her lip.)

As a generalization, I suspect that fathers play more with their children than mothers, particularly boys. There is a playful side to men which is not present in most women.

joekerr31 · Mar 17, 2007

a father is an older man that you can ALWAYS and i mean ALWAYS turn to for advice, help, comfort etc.

personally i don't have a father. had one, long story, dirt bag *sshole.

personally the greatest thing i think a man can ever be is a father.

life is hard. life can be cruel. life tests you.

to be a father to someone going through that is the greatest gift a man can receive. because its the opportunity to BE what we wish we always had - to do for someone else who is just like you, what you wish someone had done for you.

beign a lover, a husband, etc. is great BUT its a mutual growth experience. as a man you can't really KNOW what a woman needs or provide it. you can do so for some thing, but not everything because you just don't know what their experience IS.

But being a father is the greatest gift / experience a man can experience - because your "son" is YOU, but much younger. and its your chance to give someone something you wish had been given to you.

im still hoping one day i get hte chance to do so.

Last Man Standing · Mar 17, 2007

A father is a progenitor!

progenitor

noun
an ancestor in the direct line

He is NOT your friend or companion - he is part of your life essence! This is the basic of life! Now, what is a father's responsibilities is a different question!

Joeker31 - your experience and the man mentioned by the original poster is the reason why I stress, Say "NO" to hos! Because a life form will be created eventually and there is a divine responsibility from the father with this creation! Do not have a hor baby - i.e. bastard child (I'm not saying this is your situation), or else you will deprive that child, as you have been, of his whole guidance from his father!

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What is a Father?

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